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BS proof of God's existence
Argument From Nazi Deception
Consider this
If a man would follow, today, the teachings of the Old Testament, he would be a criminal. If he would follow strictly the teachings of the New, he would be insane. Robert Green Ingersoll
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The more I look at religion, the more I dislike it and what it does to the world and its people. This blog will help you understand why religion is something you shouldn't accept as a good thing in our lives. Above all, don't respect religious beliefs when their practitioners refuse to respect you.
If there's one thing you can't hide, it's the fact that killing every human being on the planet except eight and all the animals except the ones in an unfeasibly large boat is, undeniably, the biggest act of genocide in the whole of (fairytale) history. So here's how it happened. Noah's Ark: It's Fucking Genocide I Tell Ya! Genesis 6 and 7 - In which God paves the way for Hitler and David Blaine, with a festival of murder and magic
Like farts in a bean factory, many years had passed, and for some reason mankind had picked up several really strange habits. For one thing, very few men under the age of 100 wanted to start a family, so the human race was populated by freaky wheelchair-bound geriatrics looking for sex with newly fertile women. God realised that if he didn't act quickly one of these lovers of young girls would do something really silly, like found the religion of Islam, and that wasn't supposed to happen until hundreds of years later. Another side-effect of having such old parents was that kids had started hanging around on street corners drinking mugs of hot cocoa and dealing in hard drugs like cough medicine and hemorrhoid cream. School parents days looked like zombie reunion parties, and the only sports kids were picking up from their dads were bingo, knitting, and competitive quilt-making. The human race was in big fucking trouble and God was seriously pissed off about it. Seeing that he'd created a race of people whose biggest ambition was to grow a long white beard and become a cranky old bastard with a fetish for children, God realised that he had not made man in his own image at all, but had really fucked up the plans and created a race of Santa Claus impersonators instead. So God decided to kill everyone and everything on the planet. And I mean everyone. Nothing would be spared. None of that two by two in a boat shit, God wanted the whole thing erased, obliterated, wiped out, totally fucking gone. After which, he would concrete over it and rent out the space to other gods who wanted to build holiday homes and family steak houses. It was all going to be great, the perfect plan. Then, sadly, God fucked it all up again. One crazy night of booze, loose women and stud poker, and God found he'd given a free pardon to the biggest drunk in town. The old cunt's name was Noah, and although he was 600 years old and couldn't piss more than two drops without medical assistance, he had four of a kind to God's full house, and God couldn't bluff for shit. Next morning God woke up with a hangover the size of the Andromeda galaxy, which for the Supreme Being of All Creation wasn't actually as bad as it sounds. After a few pieces of cold, leftover pizza and a quick swig of the Milky Way to settle his stomach, God realised he was backed into a corner and would have to drown the place after all. He called Noah into his office. "Noah, I've decided to flood the world, so I want you to build a boat," said God, and handed over some detailed plans. Noah gave them a quick glance. "Fuck off," he said. "Do I look like I can build boat? I can't even wipe my own arse anymore, so there's fuck all chance I'm going to be able to nail together some kind of cruise ship." "Well if you don't build it you and your family will drown," said God. "Bollocks to that you big fat fucker, a deal's a deal. You said you'd save me and the wife and the kids. If you want us in a boat, build the bastard thing yourself. Comprendez?" Ignoring Noah's mysterious use of Spanish in Biblical times, God tried to think of an objection, but he had nothing. Noah had his nuts in a knot and he knew it. "Okay, you get the boat." "And I want a shower room, onboard sauna, and a big flat-screen TV. With cable. And make sure we've got the Weather Channel." "Are you taking the piss?" said God. "It's going to fucking rain, you soft piece of shite." Noah grinned and made a twisting motion with his hand. "See this? Key... turn... you are so easy to wind up, God." God resisted the temptation to smite him with his Almighty fist, but wondered if cutting off his ears and re-attaching them to his arse was within the spirit of the contract. "Is that everything?" Noah looked again at the plans. "What's this?" God shrugged. "Those are the animal cages." "Animals? What fucking animals?" "Two of each unclean animal, seven of each clean animal, seven of each kind of bird..." "Woah, woah, woah," Noah shook his head. "Got to stop you there, God. Who the fuck do you think I am? Do I look like my fucking name is Old MacDonald? No fucking way am I spending months at sea with a boatload of cats, bats and koalas. And talking of which, this is the Middle East, how are the little bastards supposed to get here?" God thought for a moment. "Magic?" "Exactly. Magic. Now we're getting there. I'll tell you what, God, this is what we'll do. Instead of using 'magic' to get all the verminous little bastards you can find and cramming them into my luxury cruise liner, why don't you just 'magic' them all up to your place while I take the wife and kids on a round the world trip of a lifetime?" "It doesn't work like that," said God. "When the waters die down the world must be re-populated. From the two cats must come tigers and lions, from the two dogs will be wolves and, er, dogs. And so on. I'm not even asking you to take every species, just two of each kind." "Sounds like you're making it up as you go along, God," said Noah. "You religious fundamentalist types are all the fucking same." But he shrugged, "Look, I tell you what, you write down the absolute minimum you need to fill the world with animals again, and I'll see what I can do. The absolute minimum, mind you." God thought for a moment, wrote something down, and handed Noah a very short list of names. Noah smiled when he saw what was on it. "See, now we're getting somewhere," he said. "And look, as a special favour, when I put all this in the history books, I'll use the stuff on your original plans. I mean, the animals coming in two by two, and that thing with the dove... it will make a great children's story." And lo, God did produce a gigantic Ark from behind a sparkly silver curtain, without the use of camera tricks or trapdoors. Then Noah did travel first class with his wife, his three children, and their wives. But Noah's brothers were not saved, for he still hated their guts for calling him a virgin on his 500th birthday. And in those days, God drowned the little fuckers in a mighty flood, and all else which did liveth and breatheth and shiteth on the land. For though some said that God was over-reacting, it is written that a flying fuck he did not give. And yea, some animals were also saved, and from these the world was filled with new species in record time, which Creationists would later find hard to explain without making some shit up. These animals were few but they were of God's choosing. For while the Lord is genocidal, he is yet merciful, and thus were saved the ancestors of all the animal life we see today: a pregnant budgie, two hamsters and a frog in a jar.
Genuine story: You know you spend too much time reading and writing about religion when the following happens. I went to make a bowl of porridge, which needs to be cooked for 4 minutes in the microwave, so I always tap in 400. Except today, when I tapped in 500... because I was thinking about the number of years the Bible says Noah lived before he had his first child. There's no hope for me. Shoot me now.
The Bible says that these old duffers had children at very advanced ages. So how does someone this ancient hook up with the local ladies? God's favourite dating agency of course - OldTesticles.com OldTesticles.com - God's nuts for dating Genesis 5
Genuine story: You know you spend too much time on the computer when, as I just did, you accidentally move something on your real, actual, wooden desk and your first thought is 'click undo'.
As you all know, I was banned from YouTube for copyright violations, and recently allowed back when I challenged the DMCA notifications and those challenges went unanswered. High stakes poker, you might say, a gamble which paid off and which meant that I could start to use my original Gisburne2000 account again. So what has changed, and how am I finding the old place now I am back? To understand that, you have to take a look at YouTube Atheist History, to find out at what point I actually got kicked from the field of play:
I joined YouTube in early September 2006 and made lots of videos, but then stopped making new ones around December 2006 while I wrote my book. So actually I left the scene before I was kicked off in February 2007. In fact, during the first week of February I had posted a 'countdown video' which was an indication of how much time remained before I intended to release the book. The count was down to 1 when YouTube received the DMCA notice which led to my demise, along with all the associated confusion over why I was kicked. Bad timing to say the least. The full story of why and how I was removed is here and here. All in all I was a productive member of YouTube for only 4 months, so I am still astounded at the furore that was kicked up when I was removed from YouTube, and the support I received after I was gone. I want to give credit to those people who campaigned for my return, who uploaded my videos all over YouTube, and who offered immense support to me. I did open another YouTube account, despite being banned, but I did not try to upload any new videos because I knew I would be removed again. The account was purely there so that I could subscribe to favourite YouTube channels, and only a few people knew I was around. As you can see from supexcellency's great timeline, I was only really a small part in the timeline of YouTube Atheism. And I would not call it the 'Gisburne Era' of course - I prefer to give it the name 'Old School Atheism'! During that time nobody bitched about other atheists, there was no YouTube 'drama', and the small (but growing) number of atheists who were around just attacked religion, rather than individual personalities. After I was ejected, that did seem to change, and I won't go into it in much detail or name names, but it looked to me like many YouTube atheists were just self-destructing and not really doing anything to help the image of atheists in general. Instead of watching these fights, I tried to look for the good stuff, the people who did have something to say, either promoting atheism or taking down religion. However, others were becoming disillusioned and they stoppped making videos too, and for a time I really lost interest in what the people on YouTube had to say. In fact I really lost interest in what atheism was all about, if I'm perfectly honest. In early June 2007 I started my blog, and the driving force behind that was the discovery of the newsfeeds offered by Google, Yahoo and others, which I had added to my site. Suddenly my own site was showing me that atheists were extremely active in the world outside YouTube, and far from being a dead subject, atheism was very much a hot topic. My blogs reflected my own opinions based on news stories with an atheist viewpoint. I started to become interested in the subject again. Then YouTube atheists began to multiply. And I mean multiply. I was still subscribed to the channels of many atheists, and would often see comments from other atheists. Clicking on their names would bring me to a channel with 20 or 30 videos from someone I'd never heard of. What? How did I miss these people? I did a lot of video watching, and was impressed with the quality of their content. There are some very intelligent people in the world, and most of them appear to be atheists! This brings me to the point where I was re-instated to YouTube. It's been a hectic time, and in fact it was, as I write this, less than two weeks ago, so I am still a little dazed and confused. I immediately received a flood of 'great to have you back' messages, for which I am very grateful. Remember that I was off YouTube far longer than I was on it, so to have people remember me is a great honour. I also found some great people via Stickam, although I am still finding the times when people ask me 'are you THE Nick Gisburne?' pretty surreal. That applies to channels and chat rooms where I don't even go to talk about atheism, but because my channel name is Gisburne2000 I am often recognised. I promise you I would swap it all for money and beer! What surprised me most of all was those messages which were, again, from people whose channel names were not familiar to me. If someone takes the time to post a message on my channel I will usually look at their account to see who they are, and sometimes they might have 70 or 80 videos about atheism, and I've never even heard of them! I am soooo out of touch with the YouTube atheists, and I never even realised it. I'm determined to fill this gap in my knowledge of who is who among the YouTube atheists. I'm looking for atheists who stimulate my thoughts, and I'm finding them in great numbers on YouTube - 2, 3 or more new ones every day. It's a very exciting time, and while it would be impossible for me to watch every video of every person to whom I am subscribed, I try my best to watch at least a handful, to find out more about the people who are willing to talk about their experiences as atheists and/or their demolition of religion and promotion of atheism. This is all possible only because I am back on YouTube. I didn't realise how much being an active part of YouTube is so important. When I was banned, I was just watching videos. Now I am back, I am interacting with real people. The difference is all-important. I'm so glad I'm back on YouTube, and I will make the most of the experience. Of course I really hope I don't tempt fate by adding 'while it lasts'!
By popular demand, apart from some miserable buggers who don't like me saying 'fuck' so often (you know who you are - fuck you), I give you the continuation of the by-now-inevitably named 'Holy Fucking Bible'. In this story I took apart the children's version and added some naughty words and a few extra bits, just proving what a lazy bastard I can be at times. So sue me! Cain Twats Abel and Fucks a Mystery Woman Genesis 4 Population fluctuations, agricultural subsistence, and civil engineering projects in ancient Mesopotamia, circa 4000 BC. Plus some other bollocks too.
Although we only have his word for it, God made the whole universe out of tiny atoms put together one by one to make billions of galaxies and stars and planets. And all in six days. Yeah, right. But you've got to hand it to him, his attention to detail was amazing. So one of the big mysteries is... why the fuck did he put the Garden of Eden right in the middle of Iraq? However in those days there weren't so many American tanks or Muslims around, so perhaps it seemed like a good idea at the time. Despite the fact that Adam and Steve were living it up in their river-side apartment, Eve was now a single parent struggling to cope with two kids and no income. Prostitution wasn't an option until the population picked up a little, so she stayed at home and prayed to God. In fact Eve was often on her knees, sometimes two or three times a day, and this was pleasing to God, for though she was not a virgin, she did a great little trick with her tongue which more than made up for it. And yea, God patted Eve on the head, stepped back, sighed, and zipped himself up again. These were hard times for Eve, and she found the situation difficult to swallow, but through sheer determination she managed to stomach it. Yet despite taking one for the team on a regular basis, God blessed Eve with the gift of saggy breasts and vaginal thrush. For God's mercy is not all it's cracked up to be, and he was still pissed off about that business with the fruit. Many years passed, and because there were no schools in Eden, Cain and Abel had to take unskilled manual jobs with low pay and no promotion prospects. Cain took after his Dad and planted crops in the fields. With tons of wheat and acres of vegetables, good quality bread and salad ingredients were in abundance, so a great choice of sandwiches was never going to be a problem while he was around. Meanwhile Abel became a shepherd, which might seem stupid given that nobody was allowed to eat meat, but he somehow worked out how to make wool into clothes, and sheep's milk into feta cheese, which was very tasty with Cain's fresh bread and tomatoes. Of course the two boys were a lot older now, and after all this time God had cheered up a bit, and came down to see what was going on with the world. The kids organised a little harvest festival, with Abel showing off his cheese and wool products, while Cain was especially proud of his carrots, onions and baby sweetcorn. God was particularly partial to Abel's delicious cheese selection and awarded the clever shepherd a rosette which said 'First in Show'. However he turned up his nose at Cain's offerings and muttered something about 'filthy fucking rabbit food'. This really upset Cain, who had tried his hardest, and after all this was in the days before TV gardening shows and seed catalogues, so he was doing his best with what he had available. God told Cain to stop being so fucking miserable and to get back to work and behave himself. "Remember what I did to that twat the snake," he warned. Needless to say, Cain wasn't very happy about slaving away in the fields all day for nothing, while Abel sat around on his arse all day, surrounded by sheep and knitting wooly socks. His jealousy got the better of him and he cleverly tricked Abel into going to one of his fields. "Let's go out to the field," he said, which wasn't particularly devious, but in Bible times, just like in modern times, religious people were as thick as pig shit. Once they were there, Cain went totally fucking ape-shit and battered the life out of Abel with a sack of root vegetables and stale bagels, before finishing him off completely with a solid smack to the head using his biggest and best (but non-prize-winning) turnip. Abel was dead, and that put the population of the Earth back down to four again, or three if you don't count Steve. Unfortunately for Cain, God was still on the scene, and in fact was looking for Abel to ask him if he'd considered using his cheese as a pizza topping. So when he found Cain covered in brains and with a gore-stained turnip in his hand, he suspected the worst. "You little fucker, did you do this?" God pointed to Abel's body, and in particular to the turnip-sized hole in the back of his skull. Cain looked at his feet and shook his head, for he knew that he had been a very naughty boy. And yea, God knew it was all Cain's doing, because God knows everything. Isn't that just like your parents, when they know you've done something bad but they pretend not to know, just so they can force you to lie to them as well. The bastards. But after taking legal advice Cain took the fifth amendment and did not own up, so God gave him the greatest punishment he could think of for a murderer. No, not death by lethal injection, not even 30 years in prison, this was much, much worse. God told Cain to... go away and wander around a bit. For though God was all-knowing, he still hadn't quite got the hang of this punishment thing. Now the story gets really fucked up, because despite being told by God to wander the Earth, Cain said, "Fuck that, I'm bored," and he got married, had a son, built a city, and settled down for the rest of his life. So he pretty much got away with murdering his brother and had an easy time of it. Surprisingly, God even marked Cain with a gang tattoo so that nobody would fuck with his shit on the streets. Now Cain was the only person in the world who could go out late at night and not be mugged or killed. God wanted him kept safe, and had given him some gangsta street cred to scare people off. So really he was much better off than everyone else. This is a murderer we're talking about, right? Already God was proving that when it comes to justice systems, it would have been a much better idea to put Judge Judy in charge. Cain's wife was a bit of a mystery too. After Cain killed Abel, that just left himself, Adam, Eve and Steve. But the Bible says that he found a wife. Who knows where the fuck she came from? Maybe God did some more Creation in his spare time, and there were people all over the place, but you'd think that the Bible would at least mention it. Trust God to keep us guessing! He's like that, always doing the unexpected and unexplained. The twat. Back in the land of Nod, which really is the name of the place, I promise you, Cain was building a city, which was called Enoch because that was the name of his son. It must have been tough work with just the three of them living there, doing all the bricklaying and the road building, while at the same time growing food and wondering who exactly the parents of Cain's wife were, and who the fuck was going to live in this huge city. Pretty soon Enoch was married too (that's the man, not the city - see how stupid it is naming a city after your son?). This meant that God really had to be making more women as a hobby, otherwise they would all be related and people would be screwing their own brothers and sisters. However, things were different back then so maybe marrying your own sister was okay. You were even allowed to have more than one wife without God telling you it was a sin. So basically, it looks like God had filled the world full of fucking Mormons. Meanwhile, back in Eden, Steve had split up with Adam and gone into therapy because he couldn't cope with the trauma of having no traceable parents. Adam and Eve were 130 years old by now but she was still tight as a duck's arse at fifty fathoms, and had picked up a few new positions, so they got stuck in, like rabbits in a cage. Eve had another baby, and while she was hoping for a daughter, she was out of luck for the third time in a row. So if you were wondering if Cain's wife was his sister, the answer is no. For it is written that this is how the world started to fill up with people, but like a good mystery we don't know what happened in some parts of the story because God forgot to write it in the Bible. So we have to guess about the bits where men find wives, because so far nobody we know has actually had a baby girl. So either everyone was gay, or there were a lot of worried-looking sheep in those days. Do you like the mysterious parts of the Bible, children? Mysteries are lots of fun, and the Bible is so full of them it's hard to tell if something is real or make-believe. Can you tell the difference yet?
The video version of an earlier blog is now live on YouTube. More Holy Fucking Bible will follow! Footnote: I never really got into the swing of things with this video, hence there is a lot of cutting. Way too much in fact. Sometimes it just doesn't happen and the words don't come out. This is the last of the HFB blogs which had already been posted on this site and later made into videos. From now on I will be writing them and making the videos together, or at least when Jeebus and his Dad decide to dictate them into my eagerly awaiting ear!
'Survival of the fittest' is a phrase often used to both describe and dismiss evolution. It implies that only the fittest, ie the strongest, the most powerful, are able to live long enough to reproduce. It also implies, to many, that stronger animals will kill weaker ones in order to further their own interests, and unfortunately this concept heavily influenced the development of eugenics, which 'advocates the improvement of human hereditary traits through various forms of intervention' and was used by Nazi Germany is 'as a pretext for racial discrimination'. However, this is not what the word 'fittest' really means when applied to evolution. Certainly, in many cases, it is the strong animals which have a distinct advantage over the weaker ones. In communities of apes, for example, the alpha male will fight off the other males and mate with all the females. In time, when he grows older and weaker, another, stronger male will drive him away and take his place, sometimes killing his predecessor's infant offspring so that only the new male's genes are propagated, in the form of his own children. Yet for most species this is simply not the case, and in fact evolution could be better served by changing the phrase 'survival of the fittest' to 'survival of those who fit best'. Fitting into their environment is key to the survival of the species, and that doesn't just mean the ones with the biggest muscles or the sharpest teeth will live to reproduce. If the temperature dips sharply, it might kill those with thinner fur. Or maybe those with bigger fat reserves will last longest in a famine - yes, really, 'fattest' would in that case be 'fittest'. Evolution is guided by natural selection, and 'selection' should not be construed as any spiritual 'guiding hand'. Natural selection takes place by means the changing (or not) environment in which animals (and plants) find themselves. In many cases 'fit' is not any kind of reference to physical prowess, but refers to how well a particular species can adapt to its surroundings. In that sense, every one of the physical characteristics of an animal or plant, which define it and separate it from other species, tells us something about how 'fit' it is for the environment in which it lives, grows and reproduces. Footnote: Eugenics, it is important to emphasise, in no way reflects the true nature of evolution, and uses direct human intervention, rather than natural selection, to achieve its ends. It remains an almost universally condemned philosophy, which few people today would ever promote or condone.
Well, it's not unexpected is it? The fact that I am back on YouTube means that I am making more videos, and that means that I am writing fewer new blogs. The one exception this week has been my blog Don't Pray For Atheists, which I also made into a video, but which was new material. The reason I'm doing this is that, to be honest, some of my blogs make great videos, and I've been wanting to convert some of my better blogs into videos for a while now. I enjoy making videos, yes, but the creative process is more in the initial scripting of the material. Without the idea I would have no blog, no video. So I want to get back to blogging as soon as I am out of old material, or at least old material I want to make into videos. I'm just playing it by ear really. Plenty of people on YouTube have never read my blogs, so it's all new to them anyway, and if I can reach more people by being a part of YouTube that is great. The support and the welcome I've received from the people on YouTube has been amazing. And if you're reading this, you are supporting me by visiting this site. Thank you so much for taking the time out of your day to read my blogs and watch my videos. And don't forget to watch all the other great videos I've been featuring. I will try to add more to the site, but again I find myself busy making my own videos, so perhaps that side of the site is being neglected. I must try harder! There really are never enough hours in the day to do everything I'd like. More 'Holy Fucking Bible' stories soon - they seem to be quite popular, and I now have perhaps the most expletive-ridden video comments on YouTube! They are a lot of fun to write, and to make into videos. However, I'll mix in some serious stuff too, I promise. Cheers! Nick Gisburne Gisburne2000 (YouTube) Gisburne2000 (Stickam)
The video version of an earlier blog is now live on YouTube. More Holy Fucking Bible will follow!
The video version of an earlier blog is now live on YouTube. More Holy Fucking Bible will follow!
What do I hate? I hate, perhaps above all other things, when a Christian says that he or she is 'worried for my soul' or 'will pray for my salvation'. What business is it of Christians to worry about an atheist's soul when they know, they K-N-O-W that as an atheist I don't believe in any such thing. They know I don't believe in God, they know I don't believe in the power of prayer, or any of the other bullshit in their crackpot Christian mythology. None of that stuff means anything to me. None of it. So why do they tell me that they worry for my soul? I'll tell you why. Because they are not simply 'righteous' (to use an entirely Christian word), they are in fact self-righteous. They are condescending. They put themselves, intentionally (even though they will never admit it), several steps above us 'mere atheists', because they believe they have the love of God inside them. They believe that this is preferable to, or better than, an atheist's viewpoint, which is that we do not believe in their God. To Christians, this is wrong, and it's something they worry about, and pray about, and then tell atheists that they worry and pray about it. Do we ask them to worry about us? No. So this needs to stop. Stop it now, stop it all. Christians, your fake, smarmy 'concern' for my soul is not only unwanted, it is totally inappropriate. Saying 'I worry for your soul' is as inappropriate to an atheist as it would be for me to go up to a complete stranger and say, 'I worry about how ugly you are', or 'I'll pray for you to become taller.' What if I said, 'I worry about the child porn videos you have on your computer', when quite clearly I know that you are not into child porn. How would that sound to you? Offensive? Stupid? You'd become defensive, annoyed, angry even. At the very least it would be unwanted and unneeded. But how is it any different from worrying and praying about my soul? My soul, even if I had one, would be no concern of anyone else's, in the same way that your private parts are no concern of mine. I don't worry about your bra size, or the length of your penis, so please don't worry about my soul. At the very least don't tell me you worry about my soul, because when you do you are sending me a direct and completely offensive message. You're saying, 'My soul is okay, but yours is all fucked up, and I know just the thing to fix it'. Believe me, it's not necessary to worry. I'm not worried, so Christians, don't you worry either. And yet I've told Christians this, and they refuse to stop. I tell them directly, one-to-one, that I am offended by the fact they tell me they are concerned for my soul, but will they accept this? Of course not. They say they didn't mean to be offensive and they really aren't being offensive, and though they apologise, when I press them on it they say they are still concerned for my soul because they don't want me to go to Hell, and they will pray that won't happen. Even if if I ask them to respect my wishes, they refuse to do so. Of course by telling me that they are praying that I change and find God, they are saying in no uncertain terms that they, as Christians, do not and cannot accept me as I am. They, personally, find fault with me, and want me to change. No? So why pray for me then? Why do Christians pray that atheists find 'salvation' if it's not because they consider that we are somehow not good enough as we are? Ask a Christian if that's what they think and they'll say no, it's not their place to judge, it's God's place. So if it's God's place, why did God make me an atheist in the first place, and why doesn't he do something about it? Instead, Christians are praying that atheists are touched by God somehow and our minds are changed to believe in him, in what amounts to some kind of spiritual lobotomy... which is probably a good name for what all Christians are suffering from. Christians, don't worry about atheists. Don't pray for us. And above all, don't try to convince us, in your condescending, holier-than-thou attitude, that we need your religion and your God to improve our lives. We don't. Just respect that, respect that we are happy as we are, and pray for other Christians, not for atheists.
I'm back on YouTube. Don't ask me how, don't ask me why. Anyone who asks me 'who?' gets beaten over the head with a rusty crucifix. The knowledge I've acquired while I've been gone is ready to squirt all over you, like an inappropriate sexual reference totally against YouTube's terms and conditions. Just know that this video is juicy. And sticky. And... very, very hairy.
Let's do a little light Bible reading shall we? Actually, it's as light as it gets - just one line: The fool says in his heart, 'There is no God.'So says Psalm 14:1 and so say those judgemental Christians we have all encountered, when they are talking about atheists. Their point is this: a person who says there is no God, is a fool. And not just any old fool, no, the Bible means a person who is in a state of moral and intellectual dullness. But really any definition of the word 'fool' will do here. Does the phrase as written really mean that atheists are all fools? Not at all. In fact it is actually accusing all fools of being atheists - fools say there is no God. If it meant 'all atheists are fools' it would say so. It doesn't. This is not a slur on atheists, it is a commentary on the belief system of fools. Saying that all fools are atheists does not preclude anyone else from being an atheist. Look at this similar statement: The chef says in his kitchen, 'There is no food'.Do this mean that everyone who says 'There is no food' must be a chef? Of course not. Anyone else can point out the absence of food in the kitchen. The Christian argument is a non sequitur (Latin: 'does not follow'). Stating that 'the fool says there is no God, therefore everyone who says it is a fool' most certainly does not follow. Next time someone quotes that Bible verse, make sure you point out the logical fallacy, particularly as this is one of the Christians' favourite pieces of ammunition. As I've just shown, it's a dud. Footnote: Actually, this case is more difficult to make because Christians invariably interpret the verse to mean ONLY the fool says in his heart, 'There is no God.' And if only fools say it, then only fools are atheists, so 'all atheists are fools' would follow. On the other hand, that's not what it actually says in the Bible is it? Which just proves that you can use the Bible to suit your own ends by interpreting it in any way you choose. Footnote: An even better way to argue with Christians is to fight fire with fire - if they call you a fool by quoting Psalm 14:1, just hit right back with this little gem from Matthew 5:22: ...whosoever shall say, Thou fool, shall be in danger of Hell fire.Follow this by asking the 'clever' Christian, "So, do you still think atheists are fools?" The answer you are given will depend on whether or not his fear of going to Hell outweighs his over-powering urge to insult you.
Okay, it seems like eight months is not long enough for YouTube to sort out their slooooooowwwwww servers I see! I'd forgotten what a hassle it was to use YouTube on Sundays, with the entire world making videos. Maybe they have one server room full of devoutly Jewish hardware which is unable to work? Needless to say, this is one of the many things on YouTube which I did not miss while I was away. I will now wait until more of the world goes to sleep. I'm spending the rest of the weekend putting the 'reinstated' intros on all my videos. Not far to go now, but I'm not going to try uploading until the speed comes back. That path leads only to madness!
I woke up on 12 October 2007 and found that I had been reinstated on YouTube. Well about time too! So here's how and why, and it's the only time I am going to say this so please take it all in - I really cannot spend as much time as I did when I was banned answering 'conspiracy theory' questions. This is all there is... I was removed from YouTube for copyright infringement. And I can say that 10,000 times and still some people will not believe me. Even now people will say, 'duh, that Nick Ginsberg dude he got flagged by the Muslims and they banned his ass'. I don't have to correct people like that over and over, I just have to tell you once: they are wrong. I uploaded various videos to YouTube and on 3 separate occasions I had videos removed because YouTube received DMCA copyright notices. On YouTube, after 3 such 'strikes' they close your account and you are banned. 'Duh, but they said Inappropriate Content' with the Qur'an quotes video and Ginsberg got taken down and it's all lies'. No. It's not. YouTube got their wires crossed, yes, and they handled it badly, but I have seen the DMCA notification for the Qur'an quotes video. YouTube sent me a copy of it. This is the last time I will ever mention it. It was not a campaign by Muslim haters which removed me, it was a small section of music at the end of the video, and I've made that clear many, many times. Get over it. I have. Okay, back to the sensible people who take the time to listen to me and understand what I'm saying. Sorry about showing you my frustration there! That all happened in mid-February 2007, and messed up my book launch, messed up a lot of things, but with tremendous support from the YouTube atheists and in fact much wider support than that, I started this site and just kept on going. My videos are everywhere on YouTube, and it's hard to miss them, but I had no access to uploading videos to my own account. Here's a secret which I kept very poorly: I did have a YouTube account for most of the time since I was banned. But it was never, ever, going to be possible to upload videos to it. I used it to subscribe to people and a few of you knew about it because I sent messages to some of you now and again. If YouTube knew, they certainly did not do anything about it, but be certain that if I'd uploaded videos at any time and said 'hey I'm back', they would have removed me again. Brett Keane tried to come back half a dozen times after they banned him, and they got him every single time. It just takes one idiot to send a message to YouTube and they will find you and take you down. If you need further proof that will happen, only yesterday someone posted this on my reinstated channel: I heard that you are not supposed to be preaching on youtube. In fact I have been informed that you were suspended many months ago therefore you are not allowed back on youtube, do yourself a favour and close this new page of yours otherwise I am going to report youThere is always some dick who has it in for you, so that's why I only used my 'secret' YouTube account for subscribing to people and keeping track of my favourite atheists. Of course the idiot who posted the above comment can do nothing. I'm not trying to sneak back in. YouTube reinstated me. Eight months is a long time. In fact the first video I had taken down was sometime in late 2006, and that's a long time to go without challenging the takedown. That is, if you want to challenge the takedown. If you challenge DMCA notices you open yourself to the possibility of court proceedings. If that happens, needless to say you are on a road to financial ruin to defend yourself. So I had to back off rather than expose myself to the legal process. And with 3 unanswered infringements, I was banned from YouTube. As I mentioned above, I'd already seen the DMCA notice for the Qur'an video, alleging copyright infringement for some of the audio in it. People kept telling me it was fair use and I should challenge it, but again, the big companies could take me to court and I would need expensive lawyers to make my case for me. Then, several weeks ago, I decided to ask YouTube to show me the DMCA notices for the other two videos. Just out of curiosity, just to see if I had been singled out or, as had been the case with the music publisher with respect to the Qur'an video, if my video was part of a huge list of videos swept off YouTube by a single DMCA complaint. Surprisingly, YouTube told me they didn't have a record of the DMCA notices so couldn't show me. Remember that many months had passed by now. YouTube housekeeping must be particularly bad to lose important documents like that, but then remember how many times you've seen videos get pulled for copyright reasons. That's a lot of paperwork and for some reason they seemed not to have put mine in a very safe place. That just switched on a light in my mind. The companies who send out these DMCA notices just want their content taken down. They don't want to take people to court unless you keep uploading their stuff. They don't really have anything to do with the '3 strikes and you're out' rule at YouTube. They don't really care about me at all. So would they care if I sent a DMCA counter-notification? Perhaps one of my greatest influences in deciding what to do was the situation with RabidApe and the Rational Response Squad, who were also fucked up by DMCA notices. They managed to get back. They didn't get hauled off to court. Time for me to give it a try. On 28 September I sent YouTube a letter with counter-notifications for all three notices. Then I waited. It was a risk. I don't want to explain how I worded the DMCA counter-notifications because if you asked me if I had actually broken copyright law in the three videos I would have to decline to answer, though fair use should, in theory, apply in all three cases. But the content had been taken down months ago, and I had no intention AT ALL of uploading it again. Why should those companies really care about me, when they already had what they wanted? I just needed one of those counter-notifications to pass through the system unanswered by the companies who filed the original DMCA notice. And on 12 October 2007 I was told that two of them had not responded, and that I was therefore allowed back on YouTube. The third one? YouTube told me they had messed up the counter-notification process and did I want to re-file a single notice? Er, no thanks! I was already back, and I quit while I was ahead. So I still have that one strike to my name. I have no intention of uploading anything remotely close to copyright infringement. At all. Ever. Maybe :o) As I write, I am uploading dozens of my videos to my original channel, Gisburne2000. And as I write, I have received over 500 subscribers, starting from zero, in just the two days since I let people know I was back. That is breath-taking support from you people. I can't begin to thank you enough, but thank you is all I have. You have all kept me going and the immense respect I feel that you have for me is recognised, stored away inside, and means a lot to me. I don't want to make the full story you've just read into a video about how I managed to come back to YouTube, although I will probably mention it briefly. I just want to be back, and do my thing while I'm there. So this is the only place I will be fully explaining what happened, and I think it's important that I write down everything I know so that there is no room for debate. On YouTube I have my original account back, and I'm now Gisburne2000. Although they gave me my 'NickGisburne' account, which has all my old videos in it, I know that there are bits and pieces of copyright material in them, so I decided to play it safe and use the amended versions, the ones people have been uploading for me for months. That's why I am uploading the whole lot again. You'll get them all in one place, even the longer ones - I have a full Director's account, which means I can post videos over 10 minutes long. I might be Gisburne2000 but I'm still Nick Gisburne. Things have changed, and my emphasis is still on this web site because whatever happens I have full control at gisburne.com. But it's my intention to make videos for YouTube again. You've kept the place going and there are so many YouTube atheists it's hard to know where I fit into the picture now. Maybe it's time for some of that old school atheism, Nick Gisburne style! See you soon! Cheers Nick
In the most blatant two-faced, hypocritical case of double standards ever staged by a religious organisation, the Catholic League, whose web site is subtitled 'For Religious and Civil Rights' has come out in protest against a new movie which, they say will 'promote atheism to children'. I am staggered, truly awe-struck, that the largest Christian church on the face of the planet should dare to even consider that the act of teaching children a particular viewpoint on religion is wrong, when the whole of the Christian Church is entirely based on converting men, women and CHILDREN OF ALL AGES to Christianity. What kind of bullshit lies are they trying to spin by saying that kids can't be taught about atheism, when everywhere you go there are church services for kids, church activities for kids, religious summer camps for kids, not to mention movie after movie after movie of solid, unadulterated Christian propaganda. And now one, ONE mind you, a single movie comes out which has some kind of atheist theme to it, and the Catholic Church is up in arms. I've taken out a whole catalogue of expletives because I am just too angry to write sensibly about this bunch of bullshit, so please read the following articles and tell me if you think these people are completely out of their minds: Catholic League warns of "Atheism for kids" movie, book series The whole tone of the articles is to describe what supposedly nasty things the movie sets out to do, and finishes with 'And remember, his twin goals are to promote atheism and denigrate Christianity. To kids.' Note the article is punctuated with 'To kids', implying that this is a particularly heinous crime. Perhaps they should look at themselves and realise that yes indeed, indoctrination of children is a particularly bad thing. And what does the Catholic Church do? It promotes Christianity and denigrate atheists. Because of course you cannot do one without the other - you cannot say that believing in Christ is good and not say that non-belief is bad. The two go together. This is one movie, based on a book by an atheist author, the content of which, even by the Catholic League's own admission, 'promises to be fairly non-controversial' and 'is being toned down so that Catholics, as well as Protestants, are not enraged'. In other words, the offensive parts have been removed. Their beef with the movie is not the movie itself, it is that 'the film is bait for the books: unsuspecting parents who take their children to see the movie may be impelled to buy the three books as a Christmas present'. Meanwhile the 'Children's Picture Bible' I'm holding right now is not, I suppose, in any way a tame version of the Bible, which is actually designed to lure kids into eventually owning the full, unedited Bible, with its stories of death, war, slavery and genocide? And what about the religious symbolism in children's books by such authors as C S Lewis? And indeed many other openly Christian children's titles? Are these not 'Christianity by stealth', designed to bring kids into a particular belief system? Of course they are, no question about it. Just remember that the Catholic League web site proudly states that it is 'For Religious and Civil Rights'. But not for atheists, naturally.
If I write any more of these, I'll probably have to make a separate section so as not to offend readers of a sensitive disposition. Till then, here's another dollop of Bible blasphemy. Eve Shows Off Her Furry Knickers Genesis 3 or 4, who gives a shit anyway? A story of skin-on-skin and testicle torture Back in Eden, just outside the Garden, Adam and Eve were playing happy families. Badly. "This coat stinks like a dingo's arsehole," Eve moaned. "I don't know what the fuck God was smoking when he thought I'd wear this thing." Although God still showed no signs of forgiving them for the heinous crime of stealing one poxy fruit from a whole tree of them, he couldn't resist sending Adam and Eve a little something on their joint birthday. So far both were sporting an oversized 'I am 6' badge and those mitten things joined with string to stop you losing them. God clearly had yet to grasp the concept of bypassing childhood and creating fully-formed adults in one day. Adam cast an expert eye over Eve's new garment. "That is a dingo's arsehole, you silly cow. I should know, I gave them all their names. Yep, definitely dingo." "If this is God's idea of a joke, he needs to start wearing a red nose and baggy pants," Eve snapped. "I am not wearing anything that used to be wrapped round some kind of dog." "Dingo, not dog," Adam pointed out. "Well thank you Mr Animal Planet, who's fucking side are you on anyway?" Eve dropped the coat and inspected the clothing she had, albeit reluctantly, decided to wear. 'Fur bikini' were the two words which described it best. "I feel like a fucking reject from One Million Years B.C. All we need now are some dinosaurs and my miserable, shitty life will be complete." "Shhh, they'll hear you!" Adam pointed at a nearby pair of tyrannosaurus rexes out hunting for carrots, and shook his head sadly. "You'd think God would have given them flat teeth instead of fangs and talons. Seems a bit stupid for a vegetarian." "God works in mysterious ways," agreed Eve. "Probably cos he's a fucking weirdo." "Have you thought any more about us moving house?" asked Adam. "That sword is making a right old racket, and the fucking cherubim had a karaoke night last night and kept the baby awake, the bastards." "Aww, Abel quite likes the sword," Eve pointed out. God had cut them off from the Garden of Eden with an enormous flaming scimitar, which waved in front of the Tree of Life like a Cylon's eyeball. "The whooshing noise gets him to sleep. And until you work out how to make fire, we need it to light the cooker for dinner. Talking of which, it's sprouts and turnips again tonight." Adam groaned. "Don't blame me if I'm farting all night. All this veggie bollocks plays havoc with my pipework. I could murder a meat pie." He eyed the passing dinosaurs and felt his mouth water. "Just think how many steaks you could get out of one of those buggers." "You're starting to sound like Cain," Eve smiled. "What, a bloodthirsty little bastard who'd beat a puppy to death if he thought he could play a tune on it?" "He's not that bad. He likes planting things, you can't take that away from him." Adam frowned. "He likes burying things you mean. Bashing their brains out with the vegetables he grows is not normal for a kid his age. We can't keep hiding the bodies from God. Cain's already made thirty species of mammals extinct, and I can't keep using the 'I stepped on it' excuse. It was touch and go with the Mexican tigers - I think God's starting to get suspicious. I'm sure he's watching us." "God is always watching us," said Eve, "so remember that the next time you scratch your balls and sniff your fingers." "Well God can fuck off and mind his own business. You'd think he'd have something better to do. Like invent air conditioning for one thing. I don't know how you cope, wearing all that fur." Eve opened the last of the parcels left outside the Garden by God, and slipped on a tight, zebra-skin dress with a plunging neck-line and matching shoes. "Hmm. Do you think these stripes makes me look fat?" Adam looked at Eve with the keen eye of a pig farmer solving quadratic equations. "No, of course not." She twirled around, pleased, but Adam continued, "You don't need that dress to make you look fat, you've got a massive arse, thighs like a horse, and you've had two kids, so the stretch marks match the dress anyway. Stripes making you look fat are the least of your worries." And lo, Eve was sorely vexed by accusations that she had a weight problem, for despite conceding an addiction to four-cheese pizza and peanut butter sandwiches, Adam was thereafter called bastard and dipshit and butt munch. In those days there came to pass a great and bloody injury to Adam's nuts, and yea, though Adam did begat Cain and Abel at a young age, he was pushing 130 before he got laid again. And yet he did not weep, for God had made a new friend for Adam, who he called Steve. Yea, it happened that they did live in a nice river-side apartment together, and exchanged fashion tips and bodily fluids for many, many years. And henceforth the land of Eden was happy, and joyous, and gay.
Being an atheist is, for me at least, all about evidence. For God, I see no evidence. None. Therefore I don't believe in God. It's that simple. I found the following comment on a Christian web site, and although the article itself isn't relevant (it's obviously pro-Christian), this post appears to be from a non-Christian and sums up the difference between believing with, or believing without, evidence. The poster is responding to a an earlier comment where a Christian says: The world says, 'I'll believe it when I see it.' God's Word tells us the opposite 'believe it, and then you will see it.'To which the non-Christian responds: Since the implications of your own statement seem to be lost on you, let me try to spell them out. If you make a sincere effort to believe first, and say to heck with the empirical evidence, well of course it's going to have an impact on your life. If I told you that your entire family had died in a terrible car accident, and I was lying, it wouldn't make any difference whatsoever that they were all alive and well if you truly believed, without questioning, that what I said was true. Your entire being would be suddenly transformed. You would go through an actual, literally physical, transformation. Your internal chemistry would go wild. Such is the power of belief. But that doesn't make it empirically true. Not for a second.This is the difference between reality and faith. With faith, you can believe in something which may well be untrue, because there is no evidence, no proof for what you believe in. Religion goes one step further in that the claims are so outlandish that it is impossible to conceive of a situation where anyone could ever provide that proof - God is considered to be 'outside the universe', or at least separate and distinct from it, so given that we are ourselves most definitely inside the universe, we have no way of proving or disproving these incredible stories. Reality, conversely, involves proof. And yes, if I can't see God, and if I can't see any way of proving that God exists, I simply cannot believe it. I was in a religious chat room a couple of nights ago ('Islam Talk' on Stickam) and before I tell you what happened, let me explain that the people in the chat room demanded proof that it was actually me. Ironically, they refused to believe that an actual human being was who he said he was, but would accept a Dark Ages story about about Muhammad, who spoke with God and rode to Heaven on a winged horse. So I had to actually speak (I was originally typing in the text chat) before they accepted it was really me. So much for faith! On to the chat itself, although I'll only mention one part of it. I was asked why I didn't just try to believe, and see what happened. The Parable of the Talents was mentioned (there were Christians there despite this being a Muslim chat room), which uses a coin metaphor, and it was suggested that if I could just have a little faith, ie one or two 'coins', that God would take those coins and multiply them for me. My answer was that it was simply not possible to believe. It's not that it wouldn't be an experiment I would like to conduct, because of course if God does exist, I really want to know about it, but I simply have none of these 'coins' of faith, and when you multiply by zero, you just get zero. My understanding of religion is that if you are the person who will do this kind of thing, you already have a spark of belief anyway, and it's not that you find more and more actual evidence, but that you overwhelmingly want to believe in God, and then use the teachings of the religion to shore up any doubts you might have. But those teachings are simply accepted without question, as in the above quote where the person is told that his whole family is dead. People believe what they are told, because they are not presented with any reasons why they should think it is not the truth. After all, it's in our nature to trust people and believe what we are told. But when they do finally talk to people who can explain why their beliefs are not valid, they already have so much invested in their faith that it becomes almost impossible to let go. At this point they have become irrational. They refuse to listen to evidence, even if what they are shown is simple and straightforward. Freethought, for me, is the only way to live my life. Of course I will trust what certain people tell me at times, but more often than not I find myself doing my own investigations to see what other viewpoints or evidence I can find. For example, I don't accept every word of everything written by Richard Dawkins (that sentence alone may surprise you!), even though he is held in high regard by many, if not most, atheists. If someone makes a case against a particular teaching of a religion, I don't automatically jump on-side with it. I get a second opinion, and maybe a third, or more, until I have formed my own opinion on a subject. And if an atheist sends me an email and is talking crap, I'll try to put him straight and point out that you can just as easily be seduced by atheist rhetoric as you can by Christian or Muslim dogma. Being an atheist does not necessarily make you a rational person! I repeat the following quote as often as I can because I've come to find that it's the most important principle of my 'work' (the quotes are intentional - if you only knew how lazy I really am!) on this web site as an atheist: Extraordinary claims require extraordinary evidenceThe author, Carl Sagan, would, if he were alive, encourage everyone to look for the extraordinary evidence for religion and, in the absence of it, to reject its extraordinary claims. Footnote: Also in the chat I was asked whether I would rebel against God if I was given absolute proof, ie the extraordinary evidence I need to believe. I said no, of course I would not rebel against God. If I believed in a God who would throw me into a pit of burning fire if I didn't profess my love for him, I would do everything in my power to be the perfect servant of that God. But, I noted, my whole life would then be based on fear - fear of the consequences of doing the wrong thing, thinking the wrong thing, hoping that I could convince God that this was genuine 'love'. Does anyone think that this is what an apparently loving God would want from me, someone ruled by the terror of eternal damnation? Luckily I am not ruled by fear of torture in the after-life because I don't believe there will be an after-life. But I know that for many Christians the fear is all too real, and as a result their potentially happy lives are crippled as they fall under the spell of a religion which teaches one thing above all else: serve God or you will be punished. And you know me well enough by now to have seen me repeat the argument, many times over, that this can only ever be seen as one thing: a threat, nothing more, nothing less.
I'm going to have to add a disclaimer here, because obviously you don't have to be a Bible-fondling Christian to be offended by the content of my blasphemous Bible stories. I'm writing these stories for my own entertainment, and of course for anyone else who wants to read them, and will be returning to my usual religious criticism blogs as and when I have something to say. But for now, it's on with the smut, the filth and, most important of all, the blasphemy. If you don't like it, please exercise your democratic right to fuck off somewhere else! Oh yeah, the disclaimer: beware, naughty words and scenes of a cheeky nature ahead... The Talking Snake Fucks It Up For Everyone Genesis 3 - Adam and Eve get fucked over by a dodgy python with legs Remember God's night of booze and strippers? Well, the old bastard had only had two hours' sleep before he started work the next day, so fuck-ups were guaranteed. Sure enough, without realising it, he only went and made a snake with legs, the daft twat. Not only that, it fucking talked too. Hello, fucktard alert! Pissed-up God in the building. Too late, and now a talking snake was walking around in the fucking Garden of Eden, heading right towards Adam and Eve. Despite being a freak of nature, old Snakey knew a decent piece of skirt when he saw it, especially when skirts hadn't been thought up yet, and Eve was sitting there with her tits out and the wind whistling through her tuna taco, so he fancied his chances of a quick knee trembler behind the fig trees. As he lurched closer (the legs took some getting used to), it was all he could do to stop himself knocking one out there and then, but he thought he'd try the subtle approach first. "Fancy a fuck, love?" he said, licking his eyebrows suggestively. Obviously Eve knew fuck all about sex, her being Catholic and a virgin, so she asked the snake what he meant. "See that fruit?" The snake pointed at the forbidden tree. "Take a bite and you'll be totally fucked, I promise you." "But God told us not to eat the fruit," said Eve. "That old cunt? What does he know? Go on, give it a go." He nodded towards Eve's well-aired watering hole. "Did God tell you what that's for?" Eve looked down, then shook her head. "Not really, he just told me he'd put something special in it every day and that I should keep it clean and well-trimmed." "Yeah I bet he did, the sick fuck. Well look, if you eat the fruit you'll know exactly what it's for and then you and me can have some fun finding out how it works. How about it?" "Well... okay, I suppose it wouldn't hurt." "If it doesn't hurt I won't be doing it right," the snake hissed under his breath, and sighed as the young woman bit into a particularly ripe fruit from the forbidden tree. "Anything happening?" he asked. "Tastes like... er, like shit actually." Eve spat out some of the fruit. "Fuck me, it's as rancid as an old man's cock cheese! What the fucking hell did you want me to eat that crap for, you evil little bastard?" Snake boy grinned. "That was quick! I told you something would happen didn't I? Any chance of a quickie? I'll take it easy if it's your first time." In disgust Eve swung a short, sharp right hook and caught the snake right in the kisser. "Fuck off shorty, I want a real man up my snatch, and here he comes now." Sure enough, Adam wandered over and sat down next to Eve. "Hi Eve, hi Snake. Ooh, nasty cut on that lip, Mr Snake. Eve? Eve, what are you doing?" On cue Eve had begun to use her newly found snake charming skills. Either that or she was trying to clean her teeth with a pink toothbrush. Either way, she soon realised that something was missing. 'Big hard cock' was her first guess, and one out of three wasn't doing it for her. Adam needed some divine inspiration. In a flash she pushed some of the evil-tasting fruit into Adam's mouth and forced him to chew, swallow and stick his tongue out to prove it was all gone. "Nice?" Adam grimaced. Then he frowned. Then he smiled from ear to ear. "Not as nice as your tits, you sexy little fucker!" And he chased her into the woods, where they did unspeakable things for many hours, watched only by a partially hidden five-legged snake. At least it looked like he had five legs, but for some reason one of them didn't quite reach the ground, although for some reason the snake seemed to be furiously trying to stretch it out as he watched. When Adam woke up later, Eve had been busy and had stitched some leaves together for them both to wear. Adam put his on and looked at it, frowning. "What the fuck is this?" "I call it a 'posing pouch'," she said. "Mine is called 'crotchless panties and peephole bra'. You like?" Adam liked. It was three days before anyone saw either of them again. God was on the warpath. "Where the fuck have they got to? Adaaaam! Eeeeeve! Get your scrawny arses out here, pronto!" Finally he found them, half hidden in the bushes, next to a pile of unusually shaped fruit and veg. Eve was just wiping something away from the corner of her mouth, while Adam, who had the munchies, had already finished three pieces of toast and a bowl of cornflakes. "You two have been gone for three fucking days," said God. "Want to tell me what you've been doing?" Eve blushed. "Er, the usual." Adam shrugged. "Stuff. Not much." God was having none of it, and detected definite signs of saddle-soreness in both of them as they walked towards him. "You dirty little fuckers! Who told you what to do with that? He pointed at Adam's used and abused wedding tackle, but did a double-take when he realised it was strapped tightly into a skimpy, leaf-green number. "Adam, what the fuck is that? And... shit! Eve! You're covered up. I can't even see your tits anymore. You whore!" Eve arched a critical eyebrow. "Er, I don't think that makes much sense, old man. I put clothes on and suddenly I'm Eden's easy lay? Fuck you, you just want to stare at my melons while you jack off, you dirty perv. You can fuck right off with that idea. These babies are for Adam. Right, babe?" "Deffo," agreed Adam. He gave one of the ample cushions a friendly squeeze. "Sweeter than the fruit on that stupid tree of yours anyway, Dog man. Er, God man. Whatever." "You ate the fruit from the forbidden tree? You ate the fruit from my fucking tree when I abso-fucking-lutely told you never to eat it?" Little sparks of electricity shot between the ends of God's fingertips. "It wasn't all that," shrugged Adam. "Tasted like crap actually. And I only ate it because she gave it to me." He pointed at Eve, who took all of two seconds to realise that God's furious gaze was now directed entirely at her. In a sudden fright she felt a little drop of wee escape into her leafy knickers. "It wasn't me, it wasn't me! It was the snake! The snake made me do it! And anyway I have the right to remain silent." "Like fuck you do!" God howled, dragging the pair of them by the hair and throwing them to the floor. "You are in so much shit you don't even know it! Adam and Eve, you are banished from the Garden of Eden forever." There was a pause. Adam looked up. "That's it?" God frowned. "What were you expecting?" "Well you told us we were going to die if we ate the fruit." "I say a lot of things," God shrugged. "Just get the fuck out of my Garden and don't come back." And yea, they went hence from the Garden of Eden, and camped just outside, because it was just the same outside the Garden as in it - same plants, same trees, same animals. All they could wish for, really, but without God breathing down their necks every five minutes. And the snake? Well, a day or two later they saw him slithering by on his belly. Slithering because God had cut his legs off and made a set of novelty napkin rings out of them. The poor little fucker's balls had been ripped off, bashed flat with a club hammer, and re-attached to his head in a kind of hood-like arrangement. From that day forward he was known as the 'dick-headed cobra'. Needless to say, not many people called him that within biting range. Meanwhile Adam and Eve were still not altogether sure why God had let them off so lightly. "He's planning something," said Adam. "I know it." "You worry too much," said Eve, smiling. "After all, we only did one thing wrong, and that was just eating some fruit. Fucking hell, it's not as if he's going to punish us for the rest of our lives is it? He'll forgive us in a day or so. A week, tops." Adam nodded, "You're probably right." His expression changed to a sly grin. "So while we're waiting do you want to try some of that forbidden knowledge with my evil snake?" "I'd love to, but I can't." Eve sighed. "I'm feeling a bit cranky and I have cramps down below. I think I've just come on." Turning to each other in realisation, their jaws dropped. "Fuck!"
Not another fucking Creation story?! This is the last time I'm translating Genesis 1 for you bastards, so you'd better fucking listen up this time! Another Fucking Creation Story Genesis 1 - That's the first book of the fucking Bible to you, bat-breath In the beginning there was fuck all. So God got the fuck out of bed, had a piss and a cup of tea, smoked a joint, and started making the Heavens and the Earth. Why? Cos he was fucking bored and it was something to do, that's why. Who's telling this story, me or you? Don't be such a nosy bastard or I'll get God to break your legs. Anyway, the Earth he made was total shite to be honest and dark as a camel's bum hole, so God said, "Let's have some fucking light then shall we?" and he made some, just like that. The clever fucker! Fucking easy it was. Anything God wanted, he just had to say the fucking word and it happened, because besides being awesome, God is also a smug, self-righteous, annoying twat. God was fucking livid cos there was still some darkness fucking up his light, all over it like a pitbull chewing on a baby. So he grabbed it by the balls and kicked the shit out of it. "Stay the fuck away from my Day, you cunt! One more move out of you and you're fucking dead." God called the darkness Night, but he'd half considered calling it Bastard. Next day the whole place was piss wet through with water. Fucking everywhere, it was. "I'm not having this shite," said God, "this is getting on my fucking nerves now, I wish I'd never fucking started." He parted the waters with his bare hands, then smacked one half in the face and knocked it into the sky, kicked the crap out of the other half until it fell down to the Earth like a dead dog, and fucked off back home for a dry set of clothes and a few hours in front of the telly. "No fucker gets me wet on day two," he snarled. Day three, and God was on a roll. "You want dry land? No fucking problem, it's done." And he was such a clever cunt that making the land created the seas at the same time. "How fucking good is that? I'll tell you - it's fucking good, that's how good that is." "I'm not fucking done yet, you bastards. Watch this." And before he'd even sat down to have a shit, God made all the green stuff in the world, fucking millions of trees and plants, even though half the crap you couldn't tell what it was, there was so much of it. It might not have won a poxy gold medal at the Chelsea Flower Show, but for a first fucking go it wasn't half bad. "All this fruit is making me fucking hungry," said God, and he grabbed a couple of bananas and a pineapple. "I fucking love bananas, but how the fuck do I get into this bastard?" he said, looking at the pineapple like it was some shit on the bottom of his shoe. "What a fucking nightmare! Ah bollocks to it, I'm off to get some shut-eye, I'm totally fucked." Next morning God was aching like a bastard and having a few second thoughts. "I must be fucking mad starting all this on my own. I should have got the fucking builders in, it's too much like hard work." And God had an extra hour's lie in, because he's God and no fucker was going to tell him any different. When he finally got his lazy arse out of bed and into his work clothes, God realised his schedule was completely fucked up, and he'd have to work a double shift to make up the time. "What the fuck? How many stars do I have to make? Fuuuuuuck!" And God put his foot down and worked like a bastard until the sky was full of twinkly little stars. "What a fucking shit job that was! That's the last time I do that," he said. "I'll put up some fucking wallpaper next time." God had some star stuff left over so he stuck it just far enough away from the Earth so that he could relax and get a nice tan. "This is the fucking life!" said God, rubbing sun cream on his man tits, and picking the fluff out of his belly button. He looked at the huge ball of navel wreckage and shrugged. "Waste not, want not." He chucked it up into the sky and sent it flying round the Earth. "Three fucking points! Get in there, Moon boy! And by the time any fucker works out how to land on it, it'll have dried up and gone hard." And God drank tequila and was sick in the pool, slept through day five, and woke up in the middle of the night, mysteriously surrounded by a world full of birds, fish, and lap dancing angels who wanted paying in cash. When day six came around God felt like a mad gorilla had pissed in his mouth and messed up his hair, but it couldn't have been that because he hadn't made the fucking animals yet. That reminded him what he was supposed to do on day six, but you know what it's like when you get a fucking hangover, you balls things up, big time. Inbetween puking up his ring, God had spent two days as pissed as a pirate, and managed to make mammals that lay eggs, birds that can't fly, and air-breathers living in the sea. What a complete fucktard! Don't even mention the fucking dinosaurs - the plans were in metric and God used feet and inches, which is why they were so fucking enormous. Bollocks! God saw that he'd fucked up, but said it was good anyway. And like the last time, if you want to argue, it's your fucking crown jewels he'll be burning on the fire, infidel boy. "I can't be fucking bothered with all this shit anymore," said God. "I need some idiot I can put in charge while I'm back on my cloud." He was still a bit groggy but he'd managed to eat a few bacon sandwiches, which had just about settled his stomach. "Oh fuck, I'm all out of DNA, I'll have to use dust instead." And God made man. He looked like God, sounded like God, and had the same nasty habits as God. In other words, he was a complete cunt. As an afterthought God made a woman, with long hair, nice tits, and lips that could suck a golf ball out of a bendy hosepipe. If nothing else, he now had his own DIY porn channel, and decided to watch the two of them every minute of every day. So that they did some actual work rather than just fucking each other silly, God made it so that the man couldn't get it up more than 2 or 3 times a day. For God created man in his own image... but if you mentioned his droopy dick problem in public he'd beat seven shades of shit out of you. "Right. Adam, you're in charge of the Earth, you little twat, so don't go fucking it all up and breaking anything. Eve, you just stand around and stick your chest out now and again, and if you feel something hard and invisible inside you, just say 'Oh God' until it goes away. Got that, bitch?" "Oh yeah, and before I forget, neither of you touch my fruit tree or I'll rip your arms off and beat you with the soggy ends. Okay, now fuck off and let me enjoy my day off." And God saw all that he had made and it was fucking awesome. For God rocks like a hurricane and then some, and this story is exactly how it happened and 100% true. So don't you fucking forget it.
Let's cover some old ground. Can you be a moral person if you're an atheist? Well, yes, obviously you can. If not, all atheists would be roaming the streets committing crimes, constantly. Look out of the window. Are there gangs of atheists out there menacing passers-by? Are you, as an atheist, tempted to run out into the street and steal someone's wallet? No, I thought not. Next question: does believing in God make you more moral? Christians believe it does. I'm not inclined to believe them, but for the sake of argument let's assume that in the case of altruism religious people have the edge. It's fair to say that more religious people take an active part in charity associations than those who are atheists. There's no getting away from that fact. This is maybe because church-goers are regularly bunched together in one place, so they are already self-organised, and all it takes is one preacher to suggest, 'This week I want 50 volunteers to shovel the snow away from the driveways of local old people'. And he'll get them, no problem. With atheists, well, we don't gather together at all do we? So how are we ever supposed to be part of initiatives like this? That's one of the problems with atheism, and other than joining a 'church of secular humanism' I don't see the situation changing very much. What do Christians have in common? They believe in God. So a belief in God leads to association via organised religion, which then leads to a greater level of altruism. Simple. But... is the actual existence of God what motivates people do these things, or is it simply the belief that God exists? What if God doesn't exist? There's no way of knowing that this is the case, but since God never physically shows himself, it's probably reasonable to assume that a universe without God looks exactly the same as a universe with God watching over it. If God's existence was that obvious we'd all believe in him, but it isn't, so many people do not. Those who believe in God do so on faith, belief without evidence. So it follows that religious people do good things not because God exists, but only because they believe he exists. If he is or is not there, they believe in him anyway, they go to church regardless, and they are encouraged to do good things by their preacher, or by various other church-based organisations and structures. I'm building up to saying that 'Christians don't need God to exist in order to be good people', but if I say that, I'm going to have to chip in with, 'if atheists believed in God they would probably do more good in their communities'. I don't like the sound of it, but that's how it is. As Christians will tell you, there are very few atheists who will give up their lives to selflessly help starving kids in (insert war/famin |
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