This is the second of the videos I've made based on earlier blogs. This is definitely something I want to continue doing, and it's far from the case that I am using old material because I've run out of ideas. The fact that I wrote a short blog called Christian scientists: please enlighten us has actually meant that I put down the bare bones of an idea in June 2007 and I've been mulling it over since that time. And when it came to creating the script for the video, I had so much more I needed to say, calling on other influences and ideas which have occurred to me in the intervening months. Hopefully that came through in the video, and I'm very happy with the way it turned out...

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Footnote:
The above video is my second in quick succession this week, but I pitched the first one at a slightly lower and not entirely serious level:

No wonder I didn't mention it before!

Saying that Communism was founded partly on the evolutionary ideas of Charles Darwin is not only incorrect, it is in fact completely ludicrous. There is a simple proof for this. Look at the dates of the first publication of these two books:

The Communist Manifesto 1848

On The Origin of Species 1859

Faced with such evidence, it's standard practice for the judge to now say 'case dismissed'. Communism predates Darwinism. End of story.

I am now a YouTube partner. Before you think that I have joined the hallowed ranks of the great, the glorious and the good, let me re-state that: YouTube have made me a partner. That's right, they are letting just about anyone in on this - it isn't really a privilege at all.

Of course the reason it isn't a privilege is that although partners made advertisement revenue when the ads on their videos are clicked, who else makes money? Why, YouTube of course, owned by Google. The more partners they have, the more ads they serve, and the more money they will make. Anyone can be a partner. Really. Try it. They'll let you in. If they let the mighty Cap'n Awesome in, he with a video of himself beheading a dummy of Muhammad and pissing on it, I assumed that I had a fighting chance! All you need is an Adsense account, which I already had - where do you think the stoopid Google ads (all of which seem to promote religion - grrr!) on this site come from? - and the whole process took around 48 hours. So I'm a partner.

YouTube partners can attach ads to their videos, but only if the content is non-controversial and the content is all your own. So that rules me out 100%, since I use Creative Commons audio, which is perfectly okay but only for non-commercial purposes. And I also don't make the audio myself. And hey, don't forget the 'non-controversial' part. I am not about to tone my videos to earn extra pennies from YouTube ads. I cannot imagine the next 'Holy Fucking Bible' video ever getting through the vetting process which each new video has to go through if to wants to be part of the revenue sharing scheme.

So why did I apply to be a partner? Because I wanted to put a whacking great banner on my channel, that's why! And that's ALL! So, er, that's done now. Nothing else to see here.

BUT one bad thing has turned up: as you may notice, the featured video on my channel now automatically plays when you go there. I had assumed you'd get the option to stop it auto-playing but no, you have no choice, it has to play. Unfortunately nearly all my videos start with a huge whooooosh-BANG! sound effect which is very VERY annoying if you hear it every time you visit my page, so I'm going to have to re-think that one and change the intro. The new video I just made has no intro at all, for this very reason.

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Fitness Footnote:
While I'm here, I'll mention a couple of other things. First, a landmark has been reached in my exercising - I've now lost 28 pounds. For non-Brits wondering why 28 is such a remarkable number, we do weight in a seemingly archaic unit called stones - there are 14 pounds to the stone, so I've lost 2 stones. Or to put it another way, I've worked off 10% of my bodyweight since I started working out 10 weeks ago! Still some way to go, but that is over half my target, so I'm really pleased at my progress.

I actually had to take a complete week off from exercise at the start of March because I think I was pushing too hard on the exercise bike - I was getting pains in my chest, so presumably I pulled a muscle somewhere, and as the heart is a muscle I wasn't about to risk dying, or worse(!) The week off was good, I came back at a steady pace, and I'm now pushing hard again on the exercise bike, but making 100% sure I back off when I need to. For comparison, the first time I ever used the exercise bike it told me I'd burn 290 calories in 20 minutes. Today I burned over 900 calories in 30 minutes. I can't recommend highly enough a good quality exercise bike, for shedding the pounds (and stones). 20 or 30 minutes out of my day is nothing really, and is what keeps me motivated on days when I'd rather not bother - I just tell myself that it's 30 minutes out of my day. What else would I be doing? Probably just watching YouTube videos! But I watch DVDs anyway when I'm cycling, so it's win, win. Currently going through series 3 of Andromeda, if anyone's interested!

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Website Footnote:
I've been doing some work on the guts of the web site, so that it will in future be easier to add new sections, accomodate new ideas, etc. You may have noticed that the links to all the pages look different. For example what used to look like this...

http://www.gisburne.com/ngblog.php?id=2008-03-27a

...now looks like this...

http://www.gisburne.com/blog/2008-03-27a

While both old and new versions will work, the new format is easier to remember, easier to type and looks a lot better. You don't actually need to concern yourself with any of this - just keep clicking, and let me worry about the technicalities!

This site is an opportunity too good to miss. If you're like me and have no drawing skills whatsoever, you will nevertheless be amazed by the Bitstrips Comic Builder site, which lets you build your own characters and comics very easily. And I mean very easily - it's all point and click and you don't actually have to draw anything at all.

Although I've not yet built a comic strip, I've made my first comic character and being the narcissistic thingummy that I am, I came up with this handsome devil...

Take a look at the Bitstrips web site, and while you do I'll set the cogs in motion, hopefully coming up with a few ideas for my first ever comic strip. Woohoo!

Update:
Geert Wilders has now posted the full video online, and I have of course added it to this site. Click here to see Fitna now.

Further Update:
The video was originally posted in LiveLeak.com, but you'll notice that the copy on this site is just that, a copy. LiveLeak were seriously threatened by Muslims because they added the video to their site, and were forced to pull the video to protect the safety of their employees.

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While anyone, anywhere, is allowed to post material which is critical and indeed opening promoting hatred of race, women, homosexuality and any number of other identifiable groups of society, when it comes to doing the same for anything remotely Muslim, we are all, all of us, running scared.

Should you need further proof of that, the US hosting company 'Network Solutions' has now closed a web site which was being used to promote a short film criticising Islam, saying that they are 'investigating complaints that it may have breached guidelines on hate language'. The first thing which should occur to you is that they (a) closed the site and then (b) are only now investigating. Apparently 'guilty until proved innocent' is the policy with Network Solutions, which is of course a total reversal of what the law demands.

The BBC news site has this story about the case:

Dutch Islam film website 'shut'
A website that a Dutch right-wing politician was planning to use to release a film expected to be fiercely critical of Islam has been suspended.

The US hosting service, Network Solutions, said it was investigating complaints that it may have breached guidelines on hate language.

Dutch politician Geert Wilders says the 15-minute film describes Islam as "the enemy of freedom".

The planned release has sparked angry protests in many Muslim countries.

The Dutch government has disassociated itself from Mr Wilders' views, but there are fears the film will spark protests similar to those that followed the publication in Denmark two years ago of cartoons seen as offensive to Muslims.

The film has already been condemned by several Muslim countries, including Iran and Pakistan.

Hate messages
Mr Wilders' film is entitled Fitna, an Arabic word used to describe strife or discord, usually religious.

Mr Wilders wrote a commentary in a Dutch newspaper on Saturday.

"The film is not so much about Muslims as about the Koran and Islam. The Islamic ideology has as its utmost goal the destruction of what is most dear to us, our freedom," he wrote in De Volkskrant.

Geert Wilders has ignored pleas to shelve his project

"Fitna is the last warning for the West. The fight for freedom has only just begun," he said.

He had been using Network Solutions to promote the film.

But on Sunday, Network Solutions said it had received a number of complaints that were under investigation.

It said the site was suspended until it was established whether the content of the site violated Network Solutions' terms of acceptable use.

They include "material that is obscene, defamatory, libellous, unlawful, harassing, abusive... hate propaganda" and "profane, indecent or otherwise objectionable material of any kind or nature".

Mr Wilders has had police protection since Dutch director Theo van Gogh was killed by a radical Islamist in 2004.

I'm often asked why I only ever criticise Christianity, when in reality Islam is a far more dangerous threat to our freedoms and way of life. There are two simple answers:

1. If I do, my web site and YouTube account will be targetted and shut down. There have been literally dozens of YouTube accounts, showing Islam and Muslims in a critical way, which Muslims complain about and are subsequently removed by YouTube. Muslims are well known for flagging YouTube videos out of existence, and there is a huge amount of evidence to prove that they are organised in this, and large in numbers.

2. Perhaps more pertinently, if I criticise Islam and become widely known for doing so, I may, just may, be threatened, attacked and killed.

It only takes one story to focus every Muslim eye on a web site. If I made a particularly good attack on Islam, perhaps it would end up being a popular video, linked by hundreds of web sites. Maybe it would get into the press, the worldwide media, and ultimately to the attention of the types of people from whom Geert Wilders now needs police protection.

I don't want to take that risk, and risk it is. Even if it's a low-level risk (hey, I'm not that popular!), it only takes one person, one fanatic, to decide to track me down and attack me. There are enough Muslim fanatics willing to die for the sake of defending their religion. I'm not willing to die opposing it.

Nobody who criticises Islam is safe. We have no freedom of speech where Islam is concerned. It's a fight against terror we've already lost.

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Footnote:
It's Easter Sunday of course, and the Pope yesterday baptised someone who has converted to Roman Catholicism. Nothing unusual, but as this article says:

Late on Saturday, the Pope baptised a controversial, Muslim-born journalist.

Magdi Allam, 55, is deputy director of the leading newspaper Corriere della Sera and has angered some Muslims with his views.

Mr Allam has been an outspoken critic of Muslim militancy and a strong supporter of Israel. He says such views have provoked threats on his life, and he is now protected by a police escort.

The fact that 'outspoken critic of Muslim militancy' is these days invariably tied to 'protected by a police escort' only reinforces my point.

If you take a look around the site, you'll now see that where YouTube videos are added to a page, alongside the video is a little DL icon. Click on this and you will be able to download the video and save it as a Flash video file, which can then be played on your computer with a suitable video player. I use the FLV Player from Martijn de Visser, but there are several others - just search on Google to find more.

Make sure you save the file with a .flv extension, eg C:\myvideo.flv

The YouTube Video Downloader page can be used to download almost any video from YouTube. Simply paste in the relevant YouTube video page and it will create a link from which the file can be downloaded. If you know what you're doing, you can convert the videos into AVI or WMV format, and can then edit them in any popular video editing software.

Please do respect copyright, and note that although you have permission to distribute the videos create by me, Nick Gisburne, you do not have permission to re-edit, re-package or otherwise alter these videos. Always ask for permission from the owner if you wish to make use of someone else's work.

Okay wake me up somebody. First we saw this:

Turkey in radical revision of Islamic texts
I blogged about this quite recently - click here to read more.

Now, soon after, we find this:

Saudis to retrain 40,000 clerics
Saudi Arabia is to retrain its 40,000 prayer leaders - also known as imams - in an effort to counter militant Islam.

The plan is part of a wider programme launched by the Saudi monarch a few years ago to encourage moderation and tolerance in Saudi society.

Saudi clerics have long been accused of encouraging Saudi youth to join global jihad and of inciting hatred of non-Muslims.

Nearly 1,000 imams have already been sacked over the past few years.

While I applaud any move which seeks to curb extreme religious tendencies, whatever the religion, the article does end with a stark reality check:

But critics are sceptical about whether such initiatives would work as long as the powerful, and ultraconservative, religious establishment in Saudi Arabia continues to exert enormous influence over society.

Only last week, a prominent cleric called for the beheading of two liberal writers who had questioned the orthodox view that Muslims can not change their religion.

But at least someone, somewhere has realised that militancy simply breeds more militancy, and reigning it in at the source - those Muslims whose job it is to interpret the religion to the faithful - is the only way forward.

People have been asking me to read Poe's 'The Raven' for a while now, but it has been previously recorded by a large number of far more lyrical voices than mine. So I thought I'd keep the feel of the poem, but change the words... just a little!

The Raven Lunatics

Once upon a weekend morning, woken by a sound and yawning
Feeling queasy and faint I pulled my undies from behind the door
While I poked my sagging belly, sniffing at my socks so smelly
Beer-stained jeans strewn on the telly, someone rapping at the door
"Who the fuck is that?" I grunted, "tapping on my bloody door
Must be Mormons. This means war."

Yes I vaguely now remember plans to murder and dismember
Stuff those Mormons in a blender, that will grind them up for sure
Wishing I'd had chance to borrow instruments of pain and sorrow
They won't smile as much tomorrow, with no teeth they'll have to tour
Fucking up my early mornings, every week I must endure
This disease I will now cure

With my inner thoughts came flirting torture plans for brutal hurting
Kill them, drill them! Such a drastic remedy you never saw
Thoughts of giving them a beating, while they gave their sickly greeting
"How's your day sir, we are meeting all your neighbours at their door
We have words of Jesus, greeting all who open up their door
We have been eight times before."

Thus I dreamed as I descended; down the stairs my journey ended
"Who the fuck is that?" I shouted through my anti-God Squad door
And the voices, as expected, came from those I craved dissected
"Jesus Christ of Latter-Day, we're Mormons and we're at your door
Though we came last Saturday we'd like to talk a little more"
Knife in hand, twas time for gore

Out into the daylight leering, I saw Mormons disappearing
Dashing, leaping steps, no Mormon ever ran so fast before
O'er the garden fence they vaulted, like two frightened sheep they bolted
Knowing that if they but halted from their veins much blood would pour
Turning back inside I almost managed to re-close the door
When I gave a mighty roar

Up my garden path approaching, in my private space encroaching
Jovo's Witnesses were broaching subjects I had heard before
"Surely friend you see the power, of our Lord, this is the hour
Would you like to read Watchtower? Let us now your faith explore"
They saw not the knife I carried, knew not what I had in store
This chance I could not ignore

"Step inside, ignore the clutter." Beckoning, I hid the cutter
In they stepped so eagerly I felt it right I should implore,
"Please don't think me too untidy, I've been partying since Friday
Though it looks like someone died he hasn't, that you can be sure
Though this may not be a palace, on my wages it's a chore
I can pay for nothing more

Though religion started piling, thinking "Bullshit" I kept smiling
Digging graves inside my mind I found God easily ignored
Thinking of my daily shaving, would a razor blade engraving
Stop these fuckers and their raving. I was getting very bored
When they stop I'll cut them all to pieces with my Ninja sword
Quoth the Witness, "Praise the Lord"

As they spoke I tried, though vainly, not to laugh at them but mainly
Thought of ways to shut them up - I couldn't bear to hear much more
All at once I mentioned seeing floods of white - the Supreme being?
No, that's right, I fell down skiing. Go on, as you were before
And they didn't take the hint. They droned on, dreary as before
They knew not what was in store

All their ravings seemed psychotic, sounded like something hypnotic
Turned their minds as if they left their sense of reason at the door
Once they almost heard me mutter, "Fuck off back to God you nutter"
Pausing, one of them did utter, "Share your thoughts, let's pray we four"
Counting round the room I saw that yes indeed we now were four
My mate Dave was on the floor

Dave blew off, the fart was broken, stood up and his zip was open
But that didn't matter cos a watch was all that David wore
"Shit, that party rocked - I'm blasted. Never been so fucking plastered
Wait a minute, who's this bastard? Who's that woman? What's the score?
Love those jugs, so tell me darling - you the stripper or the whore?
This was what Dave called rapport

Now she'd lost her constant smiling, Witness two had started dialing
Seems we were about to greet police aplenty through our door
Quickly Dave sprang into action; though still naked got some traction
And to my great satisfaction took the phone she held before
Panic-stricken, Jovo's finest dropped their Bibles, stormed the door
They had God and he's hardcore

Never mind their sins confessing, these two fought like dogs, no messing
Both the male and female Witness pushed us back against the door
Brawling like a supernova, pretty soon the fight was over
Victory was won, Jehovah kicked our asses round the floor
"Seventh verse, Ezekiel eight reads 'and he brought me to the door'"
With that said they preached no more.

As they left I had a notion that outside I heard commotion
Voices raised and punches swinging, jack boots marching on the floor
Surely not? They knock on Mondays. But it was - a gang of fundies!
See them fight and hear their guns blaze! No-one hates the Jovos more
Redneck fundamentalists - short, bald and stupid at our door
Quoth the fundie, "Holy War!"

Prophesying doom and evil, rapture-ready, God's retrieval
Of the fundie Christians is what they think they have in store
Till you're born again you're taunted, knowledge of the scripture flaunted
No escape - by fundies haunted. They find sinners, they want more
"Hear the word of Jeeesus sinners, beg forgiveness on the floor!"
Now those goons were at my door

Dave, now dressed, and I were rising, fearful of proselytising
By the band of Heaven huggers warning us of Satan's horde
"Sell your souls to God you sinners, atheists are never winners
You'll end up as Satan's dinners, skewered, barbecued and gored
If you're gay the Devil's gonna cut your dick off with his sword
But no pressure, Praise the Lord!"

Now the fundies were departing but, before they could, was starting
Something worse than Jesus cos Al-Qaeda joined, without remorse
Chants of 'God is great' were spoken, fundie bodies dead and broken
All the neighbourhood was woken by extremist jihad force
Death toll rising by the minute - does religion this endorse?
Quoth the Muslims, "Yes, of course"

And religion, never flitting, still on all our lives is shitting
In our schools and in our streets the faith heads speak out more and more
But we'll fight against their scheming, atheists will keep on dreaming
Maybe one day we'll be beaming news that faith has hit the floor
And we'll get some sleep at weekends with no God Squad at our door
Make it soon and evermore!

I see a lot of stupidity posted on my YouTube videos, but I'm starting this blog specifically to showcase the worst, the stupidest, the most retarded comments I find on my videos. Not sure if this will work out with the RSS feed if I update this post each time, but just in case, you should bookmark this post (click here to get the full web address in your browser).

My responses do tend to be a bit, er, 'fruity' when I see people with IQs which would not challenge a slug in a salt bath, but I leave them here as evidence of my continuing frustration and bafflement at the stupidity of some sections of the human race. Remember, religion does this to your mind, so these are cautionary tales.

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Let's start with this one shall we? The inspiration for this blog:

2007kid
i was taught to believe in God, but its because of Gods actual presence and voice that i still believe in him and know hes real

Gisburne2000
If you hear voices in your head, that's what scientists call 'thoughts'. If you actually hear a voice in the room with you, that may be a phenomenon known as 'television'. Do not panic. The more you believe in God, the fewer actual thoughts of your own you will have. Eventually you will simply be numb to the outside world.

2007kid
The voice that i heard wasn't a sound to my ear but to my heart's ear. Its impossible for someone to have a thought in their heart, but not impossible to think "with" their hearts. When God speaks to someone they KNOW it was Him, He puts knowledge into their hearts so they instantly just know(God can say A LOT of things in one second and you'll know it). God doesn't have to speak each word IN TIME like we do, well He hasn't for me...yet. God isn't bound by time, Its one of His many creations.

Gisburne2000
Shit you have seriously FAILED anatomy class. Heart's ear? WTF?!! Fart's ear more like. You are talking the biggest pile of monkey drool I've seen today. And I just KNOW you have no clue what you're saying.

For fuck's sake, have you actually read what you've written, it's fairytale nonsense. It's embarrassing to read it. I feel nothing but pity for you (and not much of that if I'm honest). Get out of here and don't waste my time.

Can 2007kid really have said all that? How does he even dress himself in the morning?!

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More will follow so don't forget to bookmark this post!

A while ago I made this video, telling Christians not to pray for atheists because atheists really don't want it. Really.

But if they say they'll pray for you anyway, here are a few things you might like to use for snappy come-backs, along with a more detailed plan below it just in case you're really feeling argumentative:

• Last time you prayed for someone, what did God say to you?
  Hey, if you're talking to the big man, and he answers your prayers (God answers all prayers, right?), shouldn't he tell you what that answer is? Okay, if he didn't say anything last time you prayed, tell me what he said the last time he spoke to you, or indeed any time he spoke to you, personally, while you were grovelling on your knees. What were his exact words? What was his tone of voice? None of this 'I got a warm feeling inside', that could be trapped wind or the menopause. Come on, what did God say?

• Can you ask God to make it so that Christians stop praying for me?
  IF you want to pray for me, then you should, really be praying for something I want, not something I don't want. It would be a bit unkind to pray for something I wasn't going to like wouldn't it? So what I really want is God to tell you, and all your Christian friends, to stop praying for me.

• What do you mean?
  A prayer? What's that? How does that work? Do you have to do anything while you're praying? You kneel? One knee or two? Doesn't that hurt your joints? What do people with no legs do? Or people with no hands, how do they put them together to pray?

  What do you have to say? Do you say it out loud? How does God read your mind? But if you did say it out loud that would be unnecessary right? Do you have to say anything before you start, like 'Hey God, it's me, I've got a prayer for you', or do you just get straight to the point?

  What happens if you start to get hungry while you pray? Does it spoil the whole event if you start to think about chicken McNuggets while you're in mid-prayer? Are you allowed to pray while you're actually eating? What's God's favourite food?

  If God say no I don't want to help this atheist, can you ask him again some other time or is it a one shot deal? Surely God would get annoyed if you asked him over and over and he always said no - he'd be annoyed that you didn't get the message, wouldn't he? What if you forget something - can you go back and add an extra bit of prayer?

  (As you may have worked out, the idea here is to turn this into one huge series of never-ending questions until the Christian gives up in disgust.)

• Every time you pray for me I will donate money to an atheist organisation
  Seriously, this is a long-term sponsorship deal I have with <insert atheist org here>. Every time someone tells me they will pray for me I donate <amount> to them. Please, next time you see me tell me you've actually prayed for me and that will double the amount I can donate. Would you like to pray for some of my friends too? And can you sign this paper (produce a sponsorship sheet) to say you are personally responsible for the increased funding to world atheism? This is great, you're really helping us spread the word of no God by praying for me.

There are probably countless more possibilities, but try one of these or get creative and make something up yourself! Stop people praying for you... by annoying the crap out of them if they do!

Religion 'linked to happy life'
Yes, this is exactly what researchers have found, according to the above article from the BBC. Well anyone could have told them that. Religious folk are addicts - their religion is their supply of happy pills, while we atheists live in the real world. There may be fewer bunnies and rainbows, but on the flip side we don't have to fear eternal torment in a pit of burning fire.

The article reminded me of a blog I wrote quite a while ago, almost exactly along these lines. I accept that religion makes you happier. But then so does heroine, while it's in your system. And like all drugs you have to keep on taking it, and the more you take it the less likely you are to survive without it.

Perhaps a better comparison would be with alcohol. After all, there are many moderate drinkers, and the many moderate Christians in the world are pretty inoffensive. You'd probably want to spend time with many of them, even though you didn't actually partake of that particular form of enlightenment yourself. Of course then there are the full-on alcoholics, or in religious terms the fundamentalists, the hellfire-and-brimstone, the "you will all burn if you don't serve God" type of Christians. For them the addiction is all-consuming. The drug of religion has taken over, and these are the people whose addiction damages not only themselves but the lives of other people, those who don't share their manic enthusiasm for the Jesus drug but are constantly badgered by the fundie, the religious alcoholic. Religious people may smile more, but I'm perfectly content with my abstinence - as far as religion goes I am strictly tee-total.

But I'll let you read my blog, The drug of religion, to explain how I feel about this subject.

I'm considering going through some of these blogs and making them into videos for YouTube. After all, the older blogs now have a limited visibility - if new people turn up at the site they probably won't go right back 6 or 8 months and read every blog. However if I turn the best of the blogs into videos they will come right back into the spotlight again.

That is not to say that I'm done with new blogs, but I've certainly been blogging less frequently, mainly because I've been working on other projects - the Darwin audio is progressing, and there have even been a couple of Holy Fucking Bible videos recently too. What a busy little atheist I am!

In fact I've already started the process of old-to-new already, with this video:

And it seems to have hit the ground running, as you might imagine from a video with 'evolution' in the title - some people do love to hate evolution don't they? However, it's not exclusively about evolution, and is more to do with explaining how simple events, when combined together and built up over time, can lead to complex results. Of course that is exactly how the mechanisms within evolution work, but it also applies to other natural processes, some of them nothing to do with living organisms at all.

The original blog, titled Random Chance?, was written on 13 June 2007, and although the new version was somewhat edited for further clarity, and to add several visual aids only possible in video, the original blog still stands as a good explanation of why 'impossible' odds are often nothing of the kind.

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Footnote:
For a firestorm of comments from creationists, who of course know nothing at all about evolution and yet still seek to discredit it, you need only look at the comments area for the video. I make no apologies for bringing the Gisburne smackdown to anyone who says 'Evolution is stupid, we did not come from rocks or monkeys' or similar inanities. There is no way you could ever get through such a wall of ignorance, so I have pretty harsh words for anyone who brings creationism to the table.

Abram wants children, but would you trust a cross-dressing deity with a stack of dirty mags and organic sex toys to give family planning advice?

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God Loves Panties and Porn
Genesis 15 - Silky smooth lingerie enhances Jehovah's mighty staff of power

It was mid-morning and Abram was inspecting his pedigree donkey breeding programme, when suddenly the sky filled with storm clouds and God appeared in a flash of lightning, a blaze of glory and a shower of hot sparks.

"Sorry! I've been having a few problems with my power generator. I'll put a call in to the electrician when I get back," said God. He pointed at fourteen smoking piles of ash where Abram's prize-winning donkeys used to be. "Don't worry, I can easily rustle up some more for you by the end of the week. I was going to make some new dinosaurs, but I suppose I can put that off for a while."

Abram stood in awe at the mighty super-being, unable to speak.

"You look like you've shit yourself, Abram," said God. "But do not be afraid. Or if you have shit yourself, stand back a bit and then do not be afraid."

Abram shook his head. "It's not that. It's, er... well, you're wearing a dress, and pigtails in your hair. What the fuck happened to you?"

"Now, now, Abram, don't be so so quick to judge," said God. "That's my job. Cross-dressing hurts nobody. Where is it written that thou shalt not experiment with thy sexuality and enjoy the feel of soft, delicate silk garments against thy man parts? Having said that, I've got to tell you... these panties are getting my Holy meat and two veg in a right old tangle. No wonder women don't have balls - there's just no room in here for a couple of clangers the size of Almighty God's."

And lo, God did cast the panties from his body, and said, "Let there be boxers." Unfortunately that just ended in chaos, with a room full of hungry dogs and confused prize fighters. So to save time he put on his usual white robes, and went commando.

And God spake, which was more evidence that English wasn't his first language, or he'd have known that the word was 'spoke'.

"Abram, I have heard your prayers, and I come to answer them. Unfortunately I'm going to have to turn you down on your request for 72 virgins - I've got several thousand advance orders from some weird religious lunatics a couple of thousand years from now. You know how it is when rumours start - demand just goes through the roof, so I need to build up my stock. But you said something about wanting a son and heir?"

Abram nodded, "If I have no children when I die, everything I own will go to my servant, Derek. Union rules."

"Well that's an easy one," said God, and flung his arms wide to make it obvious that there was a dramatic bit coming up. "Abram, look up at the heavens and count the stars. So shall your offspring be."

Abram was puzzled. "You want me to call my kid Twinkle?"

"No, no, no," said God, "Look up at the heavens and count the stars. That is how many children will be yours."

Abram looked. "It's cloudy. I can't see shit."

Then God became sorely vexed and did produce a mighty wind, which did blow away the clouds, along with a couple of nearby towns, but that was all resolved fairly amicably with a generous out-of-court settlement.

"Now," proclaimed God, "look up at the heavens and count the stars."

Abram shook his head. "Dude, it's daytime. No stars."

"Look you little shit, forget the stars - count the grains of sand on a beach..."

"What beach? We're nowhere near the sea. There's no beach. Desert, yes, but technically that doesn't qualify as a beach does it? And anyway, how big is this beach? It could be a pebble beach - do pebbles count? How fine is the sand? Some sand is quite gritty, so by volume you'd get fewer grains than you would from a beach with fine sand. Even if the granularity was in the mid-range, and from an average-sized beach, do you realise how many grains that would be? And these are all my children? Where are they all going to live? There'll be kids everywhere! Not to mention all the wives I'd have to knock up. Birthdays would be a nightmare. What about college fees? And I don't even have a chariot big enough to take them all to school in."

"Will you just shut the fuck up and listen you ungrateful little twat!" God stamped his foot in rage, and on the other side of the world an enormous tidal wave washed over Australia and drowned the entire population. Whatever. "Just take it from me, you're going to have a lot of descendants."

Abram was still none too sure. "How many?"

God gritted his teeth, and there was much gnashing of them. "As many as the stars."

"You've got no fucking idea have you? You're just guessing. I thought you were all-powerful."

"I am all-powerful," said God.

Abram thought for a minute and then said, "I bet you can't invent a religion so simple and easy to prove that absolutely everyone will understand it and believe it. Go on, have a go - I bet you can't."

And lo, God did grasp the testicles of Abram and did squeeze them with a firmness that verily did bring tears to the eyes. And yea, God spake. Spoke. Whatever. Anyway, this is what he said:

"Look, shit for brains, do you want to have kids or not? Just say the word and you'll be able to use these fellas as novelty earrings." But he let go when he realised that Abram's bulging eyes and squeals of unremitting agony reminded him of some of the Australians he'd drowned a few minutes earlier.

Abram finally managed to say that yes, he did want children. "But I'm thinking just one or two will be enough. Can we please forget about the 'as many as the stars' crap?"

God shrugged. "Okay, we'll sort the numbers out later. But there's another problem to resolve before then. Look, you're pushing 100 years old now and so is your wife, so to be honest she's going to need a little help getting her 'irrigation system' working again. In fact from what I hear, that particular river went completely dry about forty years ago.

"Oh Lord, what can I do?" wailed Abram. "The future mother of my children has minge flaps as dry as two pieces of stale toast, and to make things worse she puts her false teeth up there at night so I don't try anything on."

And even though God was standing directly in front of him, Abram knelt and silently prayed, which was a bit stupid because to understand what Abram was asking for God would have had to be a mind-reader. Which he was. Hurrah!

Then lo, God did answer Abram's prayer's once again. For this was in the days before the Arabian Nights and you didn't need to rub a magic ring to get three wishes. Although God's ring was always available if anyone felt the urge to slip a finger into it.

Before Abram there appeared gifts from God, to aid him in his quest to produce the offspring which he so keenly yearned for. And these gifts were thus: a three-gallon barrel of coconut flavoured lube, a bag of cucumbers in a variety of sizes, and the latest issues of 'Double-D Desert Dykes' and 'Mesopotamian Mud Wrestling MILFs', which God insisted were only for lendsies, not for keepsies.

And it is written that Abram toddled off to his tent to wait for sunset, for he would need time to separate some of the pages which God had stuck together with his Holy Spirit.

---

The Holy Fucking Bible:
1.	Another Fucking Creation Story
2.	The Talking Snake Fucks It Up For Everyone
3.	Eve Shows Off Her Furry Knickers
4.	Cain Twats Abel and Fucks a Mystery Woman
5.	OldTesticles.com - God's nuts for dating
6.	Noah's Ark: It's Fucking Genocide I Tell Ya!
7.	God's Shit Stained Planet of Death
8.	Noah: The Transvestite Years
9.	9/11 - The Triple Towers of Bullshit
10.	DIY Coffin Dodgers Gettin Jiggy Wit Da Pharaoh
11.	Are You Lovecraft Tonight?
12.	Allah G's Skool Histry Homewerk
13.	God Loves Panties and Porn
My earlier Bible Stories for children:
1.	God Made Everything
2.	The Apple and the Snake
3.	Babies, Murders and Mysterious Girls

Newly added is an important part of my audio book project, Charles Darwin's The Origin Of Species By Means Of Natural Selection. I decided to upload the sixth chapter, which may not seem to make sense, given that the first five chapters are not yet on the site, but this chapter is Difficulties of the Theory, in which Darwin masterfully answers most of the difficult questions posed about the theory of natural selection, questions which are still asked today by people who assume the theory is flawed.

The chapter is also important because it contains the famously mis-quoted passage where, if you were to take it out of context, Darwin seems to deal a fatal blow to his own work:

"To suppose that the eye with all its inimitable contrivances for adjusting the focus to different distances, for admitting different amounts of light, and for the correction of spherical and chromatic aberration, could have been formed by natural selection, seems, I freely confess, absurd in the highest degree."

However, as you may remember from this blog, it's clear that this is merely a rhetorical device in which to introduce the solution to this supposed problem - all anyone has to do is carry on reading and the solution is revealed.

If you know about evolution but are forever asked stupid questions full of misconceptions about the theory, this chapter gives answers to many of them. And remember that the answers have been there for as long as the theory itself, written 150 years ago by Darwin himself.

More chapters will follow, and I may turn these two into videos for YouTube - a few visual aids and on-screen definitions may add even more clarity, although the book is a remarkably easy read for such an incredibly important scientific theory.

The book now has its own audio page, with links to text versions of Darwin's work, biographies and quotes.

---

Update:
Having created a pair of videos for YouTube and uploaded them, I now find that the 6th edition of 'On The Origin of Species' was renamed to 'The Origin of Species' for some reason. So I've had to re-work the videos and upload them again, and of course the MP3 files too. The correct name is now shown throughout the web site.

I was asked today (6 March) why I was reading from the 6th edition when 'the 1st edition is generally considered best because Darwin hadn't implemented lots of weakenings due to criticism'. Here is my response:

Whatever he added, he added, and didn't take back out again, so the final edition is the one which stands. I don't think going back to an old version just because at that point he hadn't responded to criticisms is what 'peer review' is all about to be honest. The 6th edition has his answers to the criticisms, and is one of the reasons I started reading this edition. The book version I have is the 1st edition, and I didn't realise it was the 'wrong' one until a couple of days into the project, so I had to scrap all I'd done and start again, using the Project Gutenberg text.

Perhaps just as important is the fact that the first edition doesn't include the word 'evolution', which as you can imagine is a pretty important addition, and was only added in the 6th edition.

I think if I'd recorded the first edition, all the questions which were asked about that first edition at the time would have been asked again - you know how the God squad love to pounce on things - so it's better that the questions are shown as being already aired and already answered. Evolution has obviously vastly moved on in the intervening years, so whichever edition I chose would have been, to some extent, superceded by other science and scientists.

Of course for those who wish to read the first edition, it is available online - there are copies of most of the editions available from several of the web sites on my Charles Darwin audio page.

I just had to share this one with you. A comment on my video from someone called generaltut:

te bible saids do not be fooled,their will be many faults priest.

If anyone is fooled, it was his mother thinking her child had managed to obtain an education. Perhaps he was homeschooled by evangelicals? And although that's bad enough, it's not even the funniest part. I took a quick look at his profile and found this:

...Are we infinite?Is life inifinte?is void heaven earth einifinte?what is and isnt?are YOU infinite?what is day or night?what is time?....

But putting the cherry on the cake, he signed off his profile with:

I am a christian.I like wisdom and knowlege

Natural selection just continues to surprise me.

Someone asked me to look at one of the Bible 'prophecies' about the so-called 'End Times', when Jeebus is apparently coming back, primarily to make the planet run with rivers of blood (messy), but also to take away all the born again Christians. The prospect of every fundie on Earth suddenly disappearing sounds too good to be true, so paradoxically it's almost enough to make you want to believe it all, just to get rid of them.

The 'prophecy' is the one in Mark 13, in which Jesus says that he will come back when...

...ye shall hear of wars and rumours of wars, be ye not troubled: for such things must needs be; but the end shall not be yet.

For nation shall rise against nation, and kingdom against kingdom: and there shall be earthquakes in divers places, and there shall be famines and troubles: these are the beginnings of sorrows.

...and so on.

I quickly pointed out that 'wars and rumours of wars' is a little, well, vague, and that throughout history there have been many 'wars and rumours of wars'. Similarly earthquakes, famines and 'troubles' didn't just start up in the last century. But I was assured that the situation was now much worse in recent times and asked why I thought the situation was now 'markedly worse in only a hundred years'.

Let's just concentrate on the 'wars' aspect for now and see just what has been happening in the world for 2000 years. Firstly, how many wars are there in the world right now?

Ongoing armed conflicts (click for details)

Red is conflict (note: not necessarily 'war' - smaller rebellions and uprisings are included), so at first glance it appears that if you want to avoid it, a good start would be to move away from the Equator/Tropics. Essentially there are 31 'conflicts', which range from undeniably massive military activity in Iraq and Afghanistan right down to the 'Second Tuareg Rebellion' which I guarantee most people will never have heard of, and has a death total of 56 as I write. The map isn't exactly swathed with red is it? Where are the wars in the most populous areas of the planet - North America and Europe, for example? Most of Asia is not at war, nor is most of South America. In fact most of the world has no war at present.

For the 'prophecy' to be true the situation must be getting worse. So wars must be on the increase. Is this the case? A simple glance at a List of Wars, covering all historical and ongoing wars, suggest that the opposite is true - there are now far, far fewer wars than at earlier times in history, particularly the period when guns and gunpowder replaced swords, spears and arrows.

Glance down the list and find 'Pike and Shot era' and below it 'Age of Rifles'. Even without counting, it's obvious that there are dozens upon dozens of wars, all within a relatively short period (c. 1500 - c.1900), but a rough guide is that there were 300 different wars in that 400-year period. That does seem quite a lot doesn't it, if we are trying to assert that wars used to be less frequent, which they must be for this 'prophecy' to come to pass? And what does the name of the Hundred Years' War (1337 to 1453) tell you? How many wars in more recent times have continued for over a century?

It's clear that throughout history there has always been conflict, and it's also certain that there always will be conflict. There will be wars and 'rumours of wars' until humans die out completely, because that is the nature of humankind. History just proves that. But history also proves that war is largely a thing of the past in many areas of the world. In Europe we have had the largest period of sustained peace in history, since the end of World War 2. Yes, the US its allies now fight wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, but those are limited to two small countries in the Middle East. I never said that war has gone away altogether.

What disturbs me is that sites like Rapture Ready actively seek out news of human misery and economic instability, then and gleefully parade them (you can almost hear the whoops of delight) to herald the end of the world. These people want the world to end, they want there to be more conflict in the world, because that's just a sign that JC is coming back to get them. For example peace in the Middle East would be a disaster for them - who would rebuild the Jewish Temple in Jerusalem (another End Times prophecy) if the Muslims were allowed to stay?

This is not the 'End Times', when war will break out here, there and everywhere. This is a period of relatively stable, peaceful co-habitation, at least for most people in the world. Quoting 2000-year-old writings, which are as vague as any of the prophecies of Nostradamus, and trying to match them to current world events, is ludicrous and laughable. Just because some fundamentalist Christians want there to be wars so that Jesus comes back doesn't mean it is actually going to happen. Ever.