Your Faith Is My Hell
I Know Him So Well (Chess)

Hell is just a myth, no more than fantasy
Though you think it's where my soul belongs
You say its lake of flames will torture me
But you can't admit you may be wrong
...
Until you start to see
Religion is empty of truth and honesty
(Its lies you hide but still I see them)
Your faith is my Hell

Kosher Bacon Pies
Smoke Gets In Your Eyes (Roberta)

When Torah laws confine
These will blow your mind
Take them home and try
At a bargain price
Kosher Bacon Pies

In Heaven Life Is Lame
I'm Gonna File My Claim (River Of No Return)

The afterlife with Jesus is no fun at all
Each day up there is always the same
A billion years of boredom with no alcohol
In Heaven life is lame

The place is full of people who all kiss God's ass
They praise and sing and worship his name
Eternity with them I'd really rather pass
In Heaven life is lame

Those Old Fat Catholics
That Old Black Magic (The Nutty Professor)

Those old fat Catholics keep their secrets well
Those old fat Catholics warn kids not to tell
They let them sip on the communion wine
They love to touch them on their young behinds

Thorn Crown, Loin Cloth And Nails
Top Hat, White Tie And Tails (Top Hat)

What to wear for crucifixion in Israel?
The Romans
Suggested
For Jesus
The normal
Thorn crown, loin cloth and nails
...
So I'm pushing on the thorn crown
Tightening the loin cloth
Hammering the nails

I was particularly pleased to add Judaism to the list of religions I've blasphemed against. Yes, Jews have had a hard time in the past (in fact for most of recorded history really), but come on... you don't eat bacon? How could anyone believe that God doesn't want you to eat bacon?! If anything, he would probably make it mandatory! Yum!

So another landmark has been passed - 75 songs is three quarters of the way there. There are only 25 to go now, and after some editing the book will be available. Keep watching! ]]> Wed, 08 Oct 2008 01:00:00 +0000 http://www.gisburne.com/blog/2008-10-06b The Guardian - Vicar could be disciplined for blog slurs against gays and Muslims

The Telegraph - Homosexuals should carry warning tattoos, says chaplain

BBC New Channel - Tattoo gay people, priest writes

Matthew Parris is wilfully refusing to give his readers his opinion about the recent "gay wedding" and about relationships between the church and homosexuals generally. He says, "When it comes to the church, synagogue or mosque, if you think the whole thing ridiculous, its hard to get excited about the ridiculousness of a subset of it. I should feel the same if morris dancers or the British Astrological Society tried to exclude gays."

So, for Parris, the views of billions of Christians, Jews and Muslims worldwide are of no more consequence than a couple of obscure sectional interests. From what point of privileged judgement does he thus discount 4000 years of civilisation? The great world religions have survived the criticisms of far more intelligent and better informed opponents than the ignorant upstart Parris. There is a whole history and literature of distinguished apologetics for religious belief, but Parris will attend to none of it - sufficient only to attract his disdain is mainstream religion's disapproval of homosexual acts.

Since Parris will not dirty his hands by entering theological discussions with his readers, perhaps I might answer for religious believers in the purely utilitarian terms which even the lofty Parris is bound to engage with. We disapprove of homosexuality because it is clearly unnatural, a perversion and corruption of natural instincts and affections, and because it is a cause of fatal disease. The AIDS pandemic was originally caused by promiscuous homosexual behaviour. Such promiscuity is itself an evil because its perpetrators merely use others indiscriminately for their own gratification, treating their fellows as sex objects and as means to an end rather than as ends in themselves. I should have thought that Parris, having rejected religious belief, might want to construct his moral beliefs on this Kantian humanistic imperative. But I suspect he is not really interested in morality of any kind - except as a special plea to excuse his lust for gratification at whatever cost to human dignity and the sanctity of human life.

It is time that religious believers began to recommend specific utilitarian discouragements of homosexual practices after the style of warnings on cigarette packets: Let us make it obligatory for homosexuals to have their backsides tattooed with the slogan SODOMY CAN SERIOUSLY DAMAGE YOUR HEALTH and their chins with FELLATIO KILLS. In addition the obscene "gay pride" parades and carnivals should be banned for they give rise to passive corruption, comparable to passive smoking. Young people forced to witness these excrescences are corrupted by them.

Let me continue the comparison with smoking which is banned in most public places. Those committing homosexual acts in public places - such behaviour being a crime in any case under the Homosexual Reform Act of 1967 - should be arrested, tried and punished. Parks, open spaces and public lavatories would at once become more wholesome places. There ought to be teaching films shown in sex education classes in all our schools. These would portray acts of sodomy and the soundtrack would reinforce the message that it is a filthy practice ending with the admonition: "We do, after all, know the importance of washing our hands after going to the lavatory."

But I should like to turn Parris' disdain for religion back on to him. If I consider that homosexual practices are vile, why should I concern myself with subsets of their aspects? I might as well concern myself with other minor irrelevancies such as the Doris Day fanclub and polo-neck sweaters

There was also an earlier blog which is equally anti-gay:

Gay wedding at St Bartholomew's EC1
The Bishop of London is in a high huff
Because Dr Dudley has married a puff;
And not just one puff - he's married another:
Two priests, two puffs and either to other.
"It isn't a wedding, for that's not allowed;
They've just come together and promised and vowed
To shack up and snug up, to have and to hold:
Ooh aren't we radical! Ooh aren't we bold!"
Now here's a most queer and most wonderful thing:
He's given his hand, he's offered his ring;
And each to the other forever will bend,
After their troll in the coach up West End.
Not a flash wedding, no pics in Hello!
Just a honeymoon cottage, convenient so.
Of such Dr Dudley a goldmine has found,
From shaven-head puftas the nuptial pink pound.
The new Church of England embraces diversity,
A fresh modulation on ancient perversity:
"I'm C of E and PC so don't think it odd of me
To offer a licence and blessing for sodomy."

Hypocrisy?
However despicable you may think this man is, it's important to point out that his comments about Muslims (read the Guardian story, above) are justified:

Mullen criticised the lack of jokes about Islam in the media, remarking that adherents "certainly lend themselves to ridicule: sticking their arses in the air five times a day. How about a few little choruses, 'Randy Muslims when they die/Find 70 virgins in the sky'?"

Does that show hypocrisy on my part? No. here's why his anti-gay comments are not okay, but his anti-Muslim ones are:

• His anti-gay sentiments reflect an antipathy to a lifestyle which harms nobody. Gay people have gay sex and live their lives entirely consensually. They do not coerce anyone to be as they are, to do what they do. Homosexuality is not about changing you or I, it's not about forcing us to be gay. Being anti-gay means being against something for no other reason than 'you don't like it'. Or of course 'because God says so'.

• Anti-Muslim sentiments are different. Islam most certainly is something which wants to change you and I. If you tell a joke about Islam on TV, expect hordes of angry, and sometimes downright dangerous, Muslims to beat down the door of the TV station. Islam allows no criticism without the risk of severe, violent consequences. Islam wants me to go along with its rules. It does not want Muslims to 'do their thing' in privacy, but instead seeks to impose its rules on everyone else. Being anti-Muslim is being anti-oppression.

Islam already tries to stop people, including non-Muslims, doing certain things and enjoying certain freedoms. Speaking against Islam is therefore exactly the same as speaking against homophobia. Islam is in effect 'anti-everyone-else' (call it kafirophobia is you will - kafir is derogatory term for a non-Muslim). If it were not, I would not oppose its teachings and customs. Since it is, I do, and similarly oppose anti-gay sentiments such as thouse espoused by Rev Peter Mullen.

If gay people insisted that I be gay, told me that my hetero ways were abhorrent, and threw bricks at my house if I made jokes about them, I would oppose them. I would still defend their right to be gay, but would be against any behavious affecting my life. Similarly, I oppose all aspects of Islam which negatively affect my life, or the lives of others, but I support their right to follow their own religion until it crosses that line.

Hopefully that makes my position clear. Basically I just wanna tell jokes about Muhammad without fear of death or serious injury! Parody is not hate speech. Rev Mullen anti-gay comments are.

For 1,500 years, the Codex Sinaiticus lay undisturbed in a Sinai monastery, until it was found - or stolen, as the monks say - in 1844 and split between Egypt, Russia, Germany and Britain.

Now these different parts are to be united online and, from next July, anyone, anywhere in the world with internet access will be able to view the complete text and read a translation.

For those who believe the Bible is the inerrant, unaltered word of God, there will be some very uncomfortable questions to answer. It shows there have been thousands of alterations to today's Bible.

And although many of the other alterations and differences are minor, these may take some explaining for those who believe every word comes from God.

Mr Ehrman was a born again Bible-believing Evangelical until he read the original Greek texts and noticed some discrepancies.

The Bible we now use can't be the inerrant word of God, he says, since what we have are the sometimes mistaken words copied by fallible scribes.

The Codex - and other early manuscripts - do not mention the ascension of Jesus into heaven, and omit key references to the Resurrection.

...missing is the story of the woman taken in adultery and about to be stoned - until Jesus rebuked the Pharisees (a Jewish sect), inviting anyone without sin to cast the first stone.

Nor are there words of forgiveness from the cross. Jesus does not say "Father forgive them for they know not what they do".

Fundamentalists, who believe every word in the Bible is true, may find these differences unsettling.

Others may take it as more evidence that the Bible is the word of man, not God. That last sentence really says it all perfectly, don't you think? ]]> Mon, 06 Oct 2008 01:00:00 +0000 http://www.gisburne.com/blog/2008-10-05a In case you hadn't yet realised (where have you been?) I am writing a book of 100 songs, cruelly ripped from the belly of the best and biggest musicals of all time, their lyrics discarded and replaced with 100% BLASPHEMY!

For earlier extracts you'll need to look back to the September 2008 blogs, but here are five more salacious snippets from Blasphemy! The Musical:

The Fakest Faith By Far
Swinging On a Star (Going My Way)

The Mormon faith is fakest by far
Their beliefs are truly bizarre
With the strangest stories there are
And every Mormon is a fool

The Mormon religion is a fantasy tale
It's hard to believe it wouldn't fail
Some ancient Jewish people sailed away
They built huge cities in the USA
And just for fun, Jesus wandered over too
They must be mad to think it's true

They Praise, Preach, Hate, Chant And Sing
I Just Can't Wait to be King (The Lion King)

The only thing that Jesus freaks
Do quietly is prayer
And if that was all they tried to do
I wouldn't really care

But then they try converting me
It happens more and more
They stop me walking in the street
Or knock upon my door

With news of how to save me from my sin
As they praise, preach, hate, chant and sing

He's Obsessed
Be Our Guest (Beauty And The Beast)

He's obsessed, he's obsessed
Acts as though he's been possessed
The old man who lives next door to me
Is paranoid at best

Blew a fuse when he learned
That religion I have spurned
Though an atheist can't harm him
His reaction was alarming

Jesus Is Round
Send In The Clowns (A Little Night Music)

Christ has an itch
Don't ask me where
Weighs more than four hundred pounds
Breaks every chair
Jesus is round

Taking a piss?
Difficult move
Toilets are one thing he's found
He just can't use
Pees on the ground
Jesus is round

The Church Of Mindless Grins
Colors Of The Wind (Pocahontas)

The only face you'll see them wear is gleeful
But a lesson in life is overdue
Religion only dulls the pain of living
Just one thing can pull you through, and that is you

I would never give my life up to a cult of fools
It's clear their reason ends where faith begins
And however loud the madness they are shouting
I will never ask forgiveness for my sins
I will never join their Church of Mindless Grins ]]> Sun, 05 Oct 2008 01:00:00 +0000 http://www.gisburne.com/blog/2008-10-04c Crosisborg for as long as I can remember, and I've featured one or two of his videos on this very site, but I never realised that he wrote alternative lyrics to songs... and as a bonus he sings them too!

Come, bow to the awesome brilliance of...

Looks like I have some serious competition now! But it's all good, baby! ]]> Sat, 04 Oct 2008 03:00:00 +0000 http://www.gisburne.com/blog/2008-10-04b Who's Telling, Living, Demonstrating whatever, we should, really, be doing it

Dear Mr Gisburne

Yes, did all those who've, come and gone, know your answer?

Surely you can demonstrate, your answer, with a blank Piece of Paper, by simply folding and cutting, with the ability to explain only what you can show.

The reason for this Test, anybody can say anthing, anybody can write anything, so to find out, who know's, you seem too! what we should realllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllly be doing!

Simple, just Demonstrate! the Bottom Line

Await PIctures of Your Demonstration! Would someone, anyone, please reassure me with the knowledge that the above makes absolutely no sense whatsoever! Actually, when I looked at his YouTube channel I found a link to a web site:

Truth Revealed - Judeo Christian and the Glory of Yeshua

Just when you think religion can't possibly throw up anything more stupid, along comes a whole new category of idiot to prove you wrong. As Cypress Hill would say:

Insane in da membrane
Insane in da brain

Saudi cleric favours one-eye veil
A Muslim cleric in Saudi Arabia has called on women to wear a full veil, or niqab, that reveals only one eye.

Sheikh Muhammad al-Habadan said showing both eyes encouraged women to use eye make-up to look seductive.

The question of how much of her face a woman should cover is a controversial topic in many Muslim societies.

The niqab is more common in Saudi Arabia and the Gulf, but women in much of the Muslim Middle East wear a headscarf which covers only their hair.

Sheikh Habadan, an ultra-conservative cleric who is said to have wide influence among religious Saudis, was answering questions on the Muslim satellite channel al-Majd.

I have a great commercial idea for you.

Design a burqa with NO eye-holes in it, but with a built-in GPS + LCD screen + Browser + Google Earth + additional software.

Moslima's can go out and their unseen winks can not seduce the male Muslims. That would put the Saudi cleric to rest.

We still have the problem of the female curvature inside the burqa while walking. That could make men horny. There should be an inbuild lightweight skeleton to form a rectangular... form.

Here's that video:

Don't Wanna Be Judged By You
I Wanna Be Loved By You (Some Like It Hot)

Don't wanna be judged by you, but you
Tell me what I must do
You're telling me worship God alone
Pray to him too
...
You call me a liar
Condemn me to fire
What you seem to admire's
Unseen and unknown
To some, it's dumb, what you can succumb to

Their Resistance
Half A Sixpence (Half A Sixpence)

But still they're so insistent
That God has made all around us
The problem that now rebounds is
Why stop at just one?

If they prove God's true
Couldn't there be two?
But they are so resistant their
Bible says there's just one

God's A Virgin Bride Explorer
How Are Things In Glocca Morra? (Finian's Rainbow)

God's a virgin bride explorer
Knocked up Mary when he'd stripped her bare
He's the Daddy of that Jesus guy
God's kinda fly
Although it's such a shame about the facial hair
And big underwear

Jesus Needs Shampoo
Any Dream Will Do (Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat)

The son of God
Has come to visit
That smell what is it?
Jesus is that you?
Hair like a tramp
And wait a minute
Something's living in it
Jesus needs shampoo

I'll Never Be A Muslim
I Don't Know How To Love Him (Jesus Christ Superstar)

I'll never be a Muslim
They have rules for some weird things
Islam's strange
And so deranged
What its laws deny
I can't justify
I won't fall in its spell
...
All that kneeling down
I can live without
Fasting dawn till dusk
I'm not that devout
For thinking genies do exist
You can count me out

Just about two-thirds done now, so it's definitely getting close to publishing time! ]]> Tue, 30 Sep 2008 01:00:00 +0000 http://www.gisburne.com/blog/2008-09-25a

A Dangerous Parasite
Stranger In Paradise (Kismet)

Each Qur'an
Is a dangerous parasite
All feeding the hunger that
Swells claims to Islamicise
...
It's such a waste
All sense has ended
Minds cannot grow
When such words are adored

What Can He Do?
Xanadu (Xanadu)

You claim
That Jesus can help you grow
But maybe you'd care to show
Tell me: what can he do?

You bow
Praying to God, you plead
Why can you not concede
What your God cannot do?

Christ Is A Lie That They've Sold Us
Everything's Coming Up Roses (Gypsy)

Break the spell, break the hate
Never fall for the line 'God is great'
Can't you see? Look at how
Jesus Christ is a lie that they've sold us

Can't detect any facts
No, the cleverest minds that would tax
God exists? Tell me how
Jesus Christ is a lie that they've sold us

That's Trash
At Last (Orchestra Wives)

That's trash
Religion can't go on
The one they call Jehovah
Has faded now and gone

That's trash
The ignorance I knew
Belief in God is over
And faith holds no more truth

None Of Us Knows
Buttons and Bows (The Paleface)

Each release demands the best
Explanation science knows
If and when the answer's hidden
Then science never holds back as it shows
There's no answer, none of us knows ]]> Thu, 25 Sep 2008 01:00:00 +0000 http://www.gisburne.com/blog/2008-09-24a And I know they'd like me to commit
To the Watchtower guide but it's full of shit
Can the end of the world please come so they'll quit today?
You can't stop blasphemy

Grab a gun they're an easy kill
And if you wound 'em then they can't replace the blood that you spill
I never felt the urge for homicide, at least not until today

And I can't stop
Jehovah's little army coming up to my door
It's the moment I remind them what profanity's for
'cause it's surprising what a pit bull with your arm in its jaws conveys
My dog's called Blasphemy So (cliché alert) 'imagine my suprise' when I read this:

Jehovah's Witness shot dead and wife critically ill after being gunned down
Jehovah's Witness Adam Hustler and his wife Amanda were allegedly gunned down by their daughter's jilted lover who is believed to have been forced to end the relationship because of their strict religious views.

It is understood that the couple were strict followers of the religion and forced their eldest daughter Danielle, 20, to break up with her non-Witness boyfriend.

Jehovah's Witnesses are forbidden from receiving blood transfusions, and it is still unclear about whether one was needed.

Sources at the hospital said the gunman allegedly shot Mr Hustler at close range using a high powered gun such as a .22 hunting rifle, before blasting Amanda in the back.

Last night it emerged that 39-year-old Mrs Hustler, also a Jehovah's Witness, had refused a blood transfusion because of her strict religious beliefs.

Of course Jehovah's Witnesses are quite capable of making these decisions on behalf of other people too, which is where I absolutely draw the line and refuse to accept such 'religious freedoms'. If you allow someone else to die (if the daughter had been shot and the mother had refused treatment for example) that is something I cannot and will never accept. And this certainly has happened before, although in cases where a child is involved hospitals now (as far as I know) have the power to over-rule any parent by taking the child into protective custody, so thankfully the law will defend a helpless child.

This is of course all because the Bible tells people not to eat blood, which the stupid Jehovah's Witnesses intepret as forbidding them to accept blood transfusions. As I've said many times before, of all religious groups, the Jehovah's Witnesses are the ones I despise the most vehemently!

One more thing: Witnesses supposedly don't eat blood, but if so why aren't they all vegetarians? You can't get all the blood out of the meat before you cook and eat it, so why don't they reject the eating of meat? As always, it comes down to this: selective interpretation of the Bible. Where it would be inconvenient to their daily lives (enforced vegetarianism would reduce the number of members, no doubt), they ignore it. Where something is likely to happen rarely, as in the case of blood transfusions, they parade their 'principles' for all to see. Hypocrisy and religion are never far away from each other are they?

Final words: I don't condone violence at all, so don't go shooting Jehovah's Witnesses just to prove my song true! Oh, and don't feed them to your dog either! ]]> Wed, 24 Sep 2008 01:00:00 +0000 http://www.gisburne.com/blog/2008-09-23a

http://twitter.com/Gisburne2000

If it turns out that I get as bored of Twitter as I have already done with Facebook, MySpace, Stickam and all the rest of 'em, I'll let you know - probably in a couple of days, when the novelty has worn off! YouTube is still the only place to be, so if you really want to find me, I'll be there.

It's Just Another Book Of Fairy Tales And Lies
As If We Never Said Goodbye (Sunset Boulevard)

Perhaps in desperation
When nothing else succeeded
And feeling low
It seems as though
It's needed
But the Bible you depend on
Has no heavenly foundation
It's just another book of fairy tales and lies

You Can't Stop Blasphemy
You Can't Stop The Beat (Hairspray)

Draw a cartoon prophet then you'll find
That the peace-loving words are all far behind
With aggression is how their faith is defined today
You can't stop blasphemy

Wanna die? Well just pick a fight
Insult Muhammad, they will march and set the city alight
And no surprises why security for flying is tight today

But we won't stop
Rejecting all the rhetoric that's rolling around
The Qur'an is just a book of bullshit, not profound
And the morals of the prophet, they were never sound, no way
You can't stop blasphemy

See The Preacher's Threat
Teacher's Pet (School of Rock)

Taking all the credit and praise
With extra glory on Sundays
God ain't love, just analyse the prize
The hidden message behind the lies
...
If you don't wanna see the preacher's threat
Well maybe you will live to regret it
This is the reason: God ain't divine
Your whole religion's a waste of time
Oh yea!

Get Stoning
Good Morning (Singin' In The Rain)

Get stoning, get stoning
Sign on the list if you
Want stoning, is stoning for you?
...
They're stoning, they're stoning
They'll chop your hands off too
Stop moaning, they're stoning it's true

One Last God
Le Jazz Hot (Victor/Victoria)

Though it's crazy
The last god says he
Can conquer this world forever
Just who benefits if he is right?
Who must die to win the fight?
But we should end what they did
The past gods faded
So let's lose one last god ]]> Mon, 22 Sep 2008 01:00:00 +0000 http://www.gisburne.com/blog/2008-09-18a Blasphemy! The Musical and was finally hit with the perfect design:

Simple, straightforward and in your face, plus it also lends itself well to re-arranging into banners, icons, smaller pictures, etc (that's the web designer in me talking). I've done a makeover on my YouTube channel and will eventually be doing a major overhaul of this web site. However, I still have 49 more songs to write so of course that takes priority. Back to work!

Anyone notice the highlights in the eyes?!

Hey, what do I have to do to get a fatwa over here? ]]> Thu, 18 Sep 2008 01:00:00 +0000 http://www.gisburne.com/blog/2008-09-16a Blasphemy! The Musical, and it's so hot off the press it's still sizzling! I finished the 50th song just minutes ago - who would have thought it would be a parody of 'The Ugly Duckling'?!

Don't Believe In God Or Father Christmas
Sisters (White Christmas)

Christmas
Christmas
Don't believe in God or Father Christmas
Santa never answers when you think of him
Don't pray to God, your chance is slim

That's The Worst Reason I've Heard
I Enjoy Being a Girl (Flower Drum Song)

If you think that for marriage you must wait
And that sex with another's not permitted
If your faith gives no margin for debate
And you claim that a sin will be committed
...
If your only plea is Jesus
If your reason is God's own word
And Satan and sin deceive us
That's the worst reason I've heard

God Is A Kinky Old Perv
The Impossible Dream (Man of La Mancha)

Your God is a kinky old perv
He hides everywhere that you go
He's there looking in through the window
Undress for a bath and he knows
...
God is a pest
Spies down from afar
Yes God is a pervert
He's really bizarre

God Is A Waste Of Space
Put On A Happy Face (Bye Bye Birdie)

Listen to what I tell you
God is a waste of space
Leave what they try to sell you
God is a waste of space

What do you get from years of reverence
Down on your knees?
Better to hand God final severance
Live your life free

A Muddle Of Doctrine
The Ugly Duckling (Hans Christian Andersen)

Your faith is a muddle of doctrine
With dozens of differing creeds
But I've never heard
A line more absurd than
God rewards good deeds
God rewards
Yes God rewards
Yes God rewards good deeds
But you seem to have missed
I deny that God exists
So your argument just misleads

Now that you're up to date with where I am, I'm afraid the updates won't be so frequent - I can only write one song, sometimes two, in a day, so you'll need to be patient! However this is a major milestone - 50 is half way to the final 100, and if I keep up the same steady pace the book will be finished in around 6 or 7 weeks. So you'll be able to get your grubby little paws on a copy in early November!

Keep watching! ]]> Tue, 16 Sep 2008 01:00:00 +0000 http://www.gisburne.com/blog/2008-09-15a Blasphemy! The Musical...

Who Thinks That God Was Never There?
Who Wants To Be a Millionaire? (High Society)

Who thinks that God was never there? I do
Who sees how pointless is a prayer? I do
You think a better life will come if you wait?
But why such debate
When this life is great?
Who thinks religion is insane? I do
Who treats the Bible with disdain? I do
Who thinks the Testaments are untrue? I do
Yes I do and so in fact should you

Prove It's God
All That Jazz (Chicago)

You may think there's someone up above
So prove it's God
Someone who knows the bad things you are thinking of
So prove it's God
Preach the Bible, show me what you've got
But a book ain't proof and evidence it's not
The claims are looking small
Your case will trip and fall
So prove it's God

World Ain't Ending
Hey, Big Spender (Sweet Charity)

Well every time that you talk
If the word is from Jehovah, a Witness
The world is ending
Big earthquakes, plagues and fire
They're saying the world will blow
And that the future is dire

Well maybe this might disappoint
The Apocalypse is wrong I guarantee
World ain't ending
End your little fantasy

Pre-Teen Preacher From Bible Class
Mean Green Mother From Outer Space (Little Shop Of Horrors)

He's just a pre-teen preacher from Bible class
And too small
He's just a pre-teen preacher from Bible class
And he's had no life at all
A little pre-teen preacher's too young to pray
Say, 'Put down that book, go out and play
And don't preach, pre-teen, you're way too small'

Don't Save Me
Lovely (A Funny Thing Happened On The Way To The Forum)

Don't save me
No one needs to save me
Saving doesn't come into my day

Prayed for
Why should I be prayed for?
Why the need to tell me when you pray?

Tomorrow's selection will get you right up to date with the 50 songs I've written so far! Actually, as I write this I've only done 49, so I'd better get a move on! ]]> Mon, 15 Sep 2008 01:00:00 +0000 http://www.gisburne.com/blog/2008-09-14a Blasphemy! The Musical. So here are five more extracts to add to the total!

God Is In Retreat
42nd Street (42nd Street)

We don't need God to succeed
Every new breakthrough makes stronger the view
God is in retreat
If you fear what isn't here
Then the one thing true I promise to you
God is in retreat

Meet The Latter Day Saints
A Couple of Swells (Easter Parade)

Meet the Latter Day Saints
Their Church is bizarre but quaint
Those Mormons may seem normal
Let me tell you they really ain't
...
They will run down the avenue
If you chase them with a knife
If you're quick you can run 'em through
End their irritating life
Though we don't recommend you do
'cause it isn't very nice
So they'll keep on annoying you
Yes they're deeply annoying you
As they talk 'bout some crappy new after-life

The Trouble Is Your Religion
Tomorrow (Annie)

The trouble is your religion
Shows me its derision
'cause religion
I have none
...
Religion
Religion
Don't preach your religion
There's nothing could make me pray

What's This Crap? It's Creation Science
Little April Shower (Bambi)

What's this crap? It's Creation Science
God never made all the world all around
Rip apart the Creation Science
Thousand and one little holes to be found
Watch as we pound, into the ground
This crap, it's crap

I Am Tripping
I Feel Pretty (West Side Story)

I am tripping
Mind is skipping
Like a hippie I'm trippy and why?
I am flipping
Revelation kinda gets me high
...
Have you read the book Revelation?
The writer it's plain lost the plot
Apparently God's inspiration
Made him try to get high and grow mushrooms and pot

More tomorrow! ]]> Sun, 14 Sep 2008 01:00:00 +0000 http://www.gisburne.com/blog/2008-09-13a Blasphemy! The Musical...

The Bible Is Full Of Crap
Thomas O'Malley Cat (The Aristocats)

They wanna teach 'n' preach baloney
Make us all become
Such devoted faith-loving slabs of dumb
They're talkin' up Creation
Short on explanation
Why read the Bible?
The Bible is full of crap

She's In A Trance Alright
I Could Have Danced All Night (My Fair Lady)

She's in a trance alright
And there's a chance, though slight
She speaks an ancient tongue
The Church has taught such things
And now their madness brings
What's drilled into our young

Real Science Can Change the World
Thank Heaven For Little Girls (Gigi)

Real science can change the world
The scientists work hard while others pray
Real science can change the world
Religion hasn't any part to play

If You Can
Be A Clown (The Pirate)

If you can, if you can
Use your faith, if you can
Make it rain when it's dry
Wait for long enough so can I
Without God for a friend
Get the same results in the end
You see a burning building or a terrible quake
'A miracle!' you cry as one survives in its wake
But now explain the dead ones God decided to take
If you can, if you can, if you can

They're Controlling Our World
I Can Show You The World (Aladdin)

They're controlling our world
Criticism's forbidden
Islam's purpose is hidden:
Democratic rule must die

Let them into our world
Offer them all our freedoms
There's a reason they need them
But conceal the reason why

There are plenty more to come, so stay tuned! ]]> Sat, 13 Sep 2008 01:00:00 +0000 http://www.gisburne.com/blog/2008-09-12a Blasphemy! The Musical...

Theory
Memory (Cats)

Theory
Used in science it brings light
Understand what the word says
Find its meaning again
Out of context some think it's what hypothesis is
But a theory's not the same

Christ Is Too Fat To Weigh
(Life Is A) Cabaret (Cabaret)

Waiting for Jesus? Don't look for him soon
No matter how you pray
Look at the slob your God's become
Christ is too fat to weigh

There is no quitting, he loves to consume
The all-you-can-eat buffet
Empties the plate, eats every crumb
Christ is too fat to weigh

Resist!
What's This? (The Nightmare Before Christmas)

Resist! Resist!
Those Christians who dare
Insist
They offer you a prayer
Resist!
They buzz around like flies
You feel like screaming
Getting closer to despair
Resist!

Scientologists
Puttin' On The Ritz (Blue Skies)

Now it's untrue
So don't believe
What they show you
They just deceive
Whose cult is this?
Scientologists

There's Mo Hammad, He's So Hammered
There's No Business Like Show Business (Annie Get Your Gun)

There's Mo Hammad, he's so hammered
Let's go Hammad, hey Mo!
Looking very queasy when he's kneeling
Always has a bottle when he prays
There's projectile vomit on the ceiling
It's certain he'll sing, he's in a daze

Come back tomorrow - there will be more... unless I skip a day again! ]]> Fri, 12 Sep 2008 01:00:00 +0000 http://www.gisburne.com/blog/2008-09-10a Blasphemy! The Musical...

They Stop By Most
High Hopes (A Hole in the Head)

Just who sends those Latter-Day Saints
Back for more, despite my complaints
Anyone thinks they're quaint ain't
Met the Latter-Day Saints

'cause they stop by most
They drop by most
Wonder
Why God supplies
Such a high dose

You're An Atheist
Aquarius (Hair)

When your faith in prayer passes on
Religion plays no further part
If hope seems gone without it
It's time for life to start

Don't be afraid
Come out and say you're an atheist
Today you're an atheist

An atheist!
An atheist!

Religion Is Just A Con-Trick
The Teddy Bears' Picnic

If you kneel down in a church to pray
You'll never hear God's reply
Instead they'll ask you to try to pay
God's credit's in short supply
The Jesus freaks are careful to teach
The love of God whenever they preach
But it's a bust, religion is just a con-trick

Drink The Communion Wine
Trail of the Lonesome Pine (Way Out West)

If you catch a priest committing sin ya
Get to drink the communion wine
If his porn you find
He's more than kind
Just don't tell the bishop, he won't mind

Don't Call Me Christ, I'm Christina
Don't Cry For Me Argentina (Evita)

Don't call me Christ, I'm Christina
The truth is I wear stilettos
I've had my legs shaved
And I'm insistent
I have no penis
It's non-existent

Come back tomorrow - there's more! ]]> Wed, 10 Sep 2008 01:00:00 +0000 http://www.gisburne.com/blog/2008-09-09a Blasphemy! The Musical...

Godless and Free
Under the Sea (The Little Mermaid)

Belief in a life hereafter
A place full of endless bliss
Is something to greet with laughter
A thought we should all dismiss
...
Godless and free
Godless and free
Life without Jesus
No Hell to tease us
No mystery

One life to live, there's no repeat
Don't need a God to be complete
Love one another
There is no other
Godless and free

Communion Wine I Have Found Confusing
The Sound of Music (The Sound of Music)

Communion wine
I have found confusing
It turns into blood
And like bats they drink

This vampire-ish sign
Would be quite amusing
But follow the Pope
And it's what you'll think

Why Should God Be On A Murder Charge?
Wand'rin' Star (Paint Your Wagon)

Why should God be on a murder charge?
Why should God be on a murder charge?

Open up the Bible
Pick most any page
And god will slaughter countless millions
In a fit of rage

Indoctrinate, Indoctrinate, Indoctrinate!
The Deadwood Stage (Calamity Jane)

Well a real good age for a Christian kid to learn sin
Is the time his parents know for certain their Bible sinks in
They teach God's commands, no reason to wait
Indoctrinate, indoctrinate, indoctrinate!
...
In a homeschool class be amazed what the Bible kids buy
Never trust real science, evolution is the wickedest lie
Darwin reviled, Creation is great
So indoctrinate, indoctrinate, indoctrinate!

Where Did All Of Their Brains Go?
Over the Rainbow (The Wizard of Oz)

Where did all of their brains go?
Where'd they hide?
In the minds of believers
Reason and faith collide
...
If faith waves common sense goodbye
It's something I know
I just cannot buy

Come back tomorrow for even more! ]]> Tue, 09 Sep 2008 01:00:00 +0000 http://www.gisburne.com/blog/2008-09-08a Blasphemy! The Musical...

Meatball Wiccan
Pinball Wizard (Tommy)

There was nobody who liked her
She had no friends to call
Her face it used to frighten
The cool kids in the mall
And at school she didn't like gym
No exercise at all
That fat, ugly goth kid
Goes by the name 'Meatball'
...
She's a meatball Wiccan
Loves magic, moon and trees
Adores fried chicken
Eats everything she sees

Proof Is All That I Want
You're The One That I Want (Grease)

All your claims and prophesying
To mislead is your goal
And the lies you're justifying
Are intensifying
...
Proof is all that I want
(Bring out the evidence)
Prove God's true, sonny
It's all I need
Then I'll concede

Does It Annoy You?
Getting To Know You (The King and I)

Does it annoy you
Hearing that God's all around you
Does it annoy you
When they insist you should pray
Does it annoy you
Giving you some constant strife while
Saying your lifestyle
Has gone astray

Creationists Can
The Candy Man Can (Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory)

Who can look at science
Tell you it ain't true
Quote you from the Bible like it beats the peer review?

Creationists! Creationists can
Creationists can, cause it's Genesis that's making
Noah's Ark look good

Their Chanting's Really Getting On My Nerves
The Phantom of the Opera (The Phantom of the Opera)

They moved next door to me
Now life's a strain
It's one big noise to me
Sends me insane
Those Buddhists driving me
Out of my mind
Their chanting's really getting on my nerves
No peace I find

Still more tomorrow! ]]> Mon, 08 Sep 2008 01:00:00 +0000 http://www.gisburne.com/blog/2008-09-07a Blasphemy! The Musical. Today...

They'll Say Anything
I'd Do Anything (Oliver!)

They'll say anything
To please God, anything
And all things Biblical are true
They're taught that
Satan's everywhere
There's no good anywhere
We're evil sinners through and through

God Is Never There
Walking In The Air (The Snowman)

Your God is never there
You pray but you don't wonder why
He cannot say hello
There's no-one to reply
...
Now your mind cannot grow
Prayers make it sleep
Understanding has its price
Faith is cheap

Their Religion Is Insane
There Is Nothin' Like A Dame (South Pacific)

Their religion is insane
Foolish and absurd
File the Bible under 'lame'
Christianity's quite insane

It's so easy to explain
In a single word
Read the Bible and proclaim
That its followers are insane

So You Wanna Be A Baptist
So You Wanna Be A Boxer (Bugsy Malone)

So you wanna be a Baptist
We're a big success
Any laws God didn't issue
We will suppress

If you drink or you bet
Turn around you're a threat
We don't need you
Smokin' weed, sellin' dope
If you don't think the Pope's
Gonna lead you
Into Satan's great pit
Bible says you ain't fit

Praying For The World To End
Diamonds Are A Girl's Best Friend (Gentlemen Prefer Blondes)

The rumours of war
Will be so instrumental
When praying for the world to end
The past had far more
But that's coincidental
Now they take delight
The end's in sight, the timing's right

Famines grow and we all know
This is far from a new global trend
But they think the food link
Ties up with God's time sync
Praying for the world to end

More tomorrow! ]]> Sun, 07 Sep 2008 01:00:00 +0000 http://www.gisburne.com/blog/2008-09-06a Blasphemy! The Musical, in which I'm creating new lyrics for well-known show tunes. So that you know exactly what you'll be getting in the final book, I've decided to release short extracts from each song, plus the original titles of the movies/shows in which they can be found. I'll be posting 5 songs per day until I catch up with the current list. As I write I've already written 35 songs, so this will take a while! Here goes...

Three Little Parts of God
Three Little Maids From School (The Mikado)

Three little parts of God are we
Joined into one - the Trinity
Quite a conundrum you'll agree
Three little parts of God
...
Three little parts, and each all-knowing
Part of a lie which keeps on growing
Logic and reason, neither's showing
Three little parts of God

I Am The Very Model of a Knowledgeable Atheist
I Am The Very Model Of A Modern Major-General (The Pirates of Penzance)

I am the very model of a knowledgeable atheist
I've information Catholic and Mormon and Creationist
I know the Ten Commandments and the books of all the Testaments
It's certainly incredible for some they still have relevance
...
The Bible I have studied more than most in Christianity
I'm excellent at pointing out the flaws in its theology
In short, in matters Methodist and Baptist and Evangelist
I am the very model of a knowledgeable atheist

A School Full of Science
A Spoonful of Sugar (Mary Poppins)

ID just doesn't pass the test
Their so-called scientists detest
All critical attempts to probe and dig
They try an ever-changing route
To counter each thing we refute
We'll prove them wrong - it won't take very long

For a school full of science breaks Intelligent Design
There isn't any sign
Of evidence divine
Just a school full of science breaks Intelligent Design
Leaving it in disarray

Freak Cult Sci-Fi
Sweet Transvestite (Rocky Horror Picture Show)

Where were you in
'52 when
L Ron had the plan?
He wrote some part of it down
Really went to town
That's where this story all began

It's so far out
But a tempting hook
Just take the bait to discover
When your audit began
You paid cash in hand
And your credit may never recover

Believe in freak cult sci-fi
It's all fictional
Scientology

Al-Qaeda! (al-ky-ee-da)
Oklahoma! (Oklahoma!)

Al-Qaeda!
Training mad jihadis for the planes
Quote an ancient book and make it look
Like the Muslim world has gone insane
Al-Qaeda!
Only crazed fanatics should apply
Taking bombs worldwide for suicide
So that crowds of infidels will die

Remember that these are just extracts - the final book will contain the full sing-along versions of 100 beautifully blasphemous songs! More extracts tomorrow! ]]> Sat, 06 Sep 2008 01:00:00 +0000 http://www.gisburne.com/blog/2008-09-03a My forthcoming book will contain 100 songs from the great musicals and shows!

Okay, before you come out with 'WTF?!' here's the why and the what...

...with alternative lyrics, naturally! Songs such as:

• Godless and Free
• Their Religion Is Insane
• A School Full of Science
• Religion Is Just A Con-Trick
• Christ Is Too Fat To Weigh
• So You Wanna Be A Baptist
• Don't Call Me Christ, I'm Christina
• Indoctrinate, Indoctrinate, Indoctrinate!
• There's Mo Hammad, He's So Hammered
• Their Chanting's Really Getting On My Nerves
• I Am The Very Model of a Knowledgeable Atheist

For up-to-date progress, I currently have a slider showing on my YouTube channel, where you will also find a playlist containing the original songs. Match my new titles with the originals!

Release date? Tentatively I would say 'early November', which ain't all that far away.

More news will follow, so stay tuned! ]]> Wed, 03 Sep 2008 01:00:00 +0000 http://www.gisburne.com/blog/2008-08-18b Not so.

Calculations find that many universes could sustain stars
Fred Adams sees stars in the most unlikely places.

His calculations suggest that, contrary to some previous claims, stars are not only common in our cosmos but are also ablaze in myriad other universes, where the laws of physics may be drastically different. Even in a cosmos where balls of gas and dust never collapse and ignite to make conventional stars, radiation produced by black holes and clumps of invisible material called dark matter may play the same role as stars, says Adams, a theorist at the University of Michigan in Ann Arbor.

By allowing all three of the parameters, rather than a single parameter, to vary, Adams created a simulation that may embrace a larger number of possible universes, he says. He finds that stars are stable entities in roughly one-fourth of the universes he considered. "That's a sizable amount of real estate."

Had Adams found that the range of parameters that allowed for stars was very small, that would have suggested that the laws of physics in our universe have been "fine-tuned" to allow for star formation, Aguirre notes. Instead, Adams' study shows that our universe doesn't seem particularly special in that regard.

"This open-minded approach can serve, in some cases, as a counter-argument to claims that our universe is fine-tuned for life."

Rocky Twyman, 59, a veteran community campaigner, started Pray At The Pump meetings at petrol stations in April.

Since then, the average price of what the US calls gasoline has fallen from more than $4 a gallon to $3.80.

"We don't have anybody else to turn to but God," Mr Twyman told the BBC. "We have to turn these problems over to God and not to man."

His first pilgrimage to the pump was prompted by fellow volunteers at the First Seventh Day Adventist Church in Petworth, a working-class neighbourhood of the US capital, who were struggling with higher gasoline prices.

He led them down the block to the local Shell gas station to pray. And over the months since then, he has held similar prayer meetings at pumps all over the US.

Prayer warriors

"We were down in Huntsville, Alabama. We finished praying," Mr Twyman said. "Immediately the owners came out and changed the gas prices. They brought it down. We had marvellous success down in St Louis, Missouri."

This week the group returned to the site of their first prayer meeting to celebrate. Singing "We shall overcome," they changed the words of the well-known hymn to "We'll have lower gas prices".

Mr Twyman is sceptical that market forces might be responsible for the lower prices. But he and his prayer warriors have changed their motoring habits.

"We believe not just in prayer - because we believe that faith without works is dead. So we've encouraged people to car-pool more and organise their days more, because it's a combination of faith with these other factors."

Pray At The Pump plans to build on its success and drive gasoline prices even lower. In the words of Rocky Twyman: "We just thank God for blessing us with small victories and we expect greater things to come." Of particular note is the fact that this moron is 'sceptical that market forces might be responsible for the lower prices'. So what made the prices so high in the first place? Pixies? Of course, he never blames God for bringing on the massive price hikes which preceded this does he? No, no, that would be Satan's fault, right?

See what has happened here? Some idiot preacher has enough common sense and craftiness to realise that sooner or later the price of oil really did have to fall, simply because its peak was caused by speculation in the market rather than actual shortage of supply. So he started to pray that this would happen, in the full knowledge that it would happen anyway, with or without prayer. It's like praying for rain - during a drought, if you pray long enough, it is guaranteed that it will rain. Eventually. And so it goes on, with these prayer groups demonstrating apparent success, and probably converting more gullible fools as they do so.

Expect more stories like this when the housing market starts to pick up again. "I dun prayed fer the credit crunch t' end and the good Lord heard ma voice. Praise Jeeeeesus."

I don't think further comment from me is necessary other than, "Get a fucking grip on reality, you stupid, deluded, ignorant bastards."

The garden is a big job. I've lived in this house for 18 years and have done the absolute minimum outside. And I do mean minimum - when the grass grows tall enough so that I can't see my dogs out there I cut it, and that's basically it. Sometimes not even that! I have a pile of concrete slabs outside which have been there for several years waiting to be laid down as a patio. Still waiting. Until last month (the start of my adventures in the garden) I had a garden with a surface like a rollercoaster because over the years soil had built up in the jungle undergrowth. I've had to strip the entire layer of grass and soil off and am in the process of digging it level and at the same time removing any unwanted growing things (in this case, that is everything).

So that's why I'm away. And it's going to be a while. But I do have a project on the go, a big, exciting thing which I'm writing and which, funnily enough, the gardening is helping. While I dig, my mind is clear of the clutter which usually bombards it when I sit down in front of the computer (the Internet is a habit which is hard to kick), and outside I get more and more ideas, and frequently have to run into the house to write them down. Today was particularly productive in that respect - at one point I just stopped going back outside for a while because I was writing down so much. With pen and paper - no keyboard involved. Anyone still remember when that was the only way to write things?! In the time when I am actually still in the house, or when the weather is bad so I can't go out, I turn the ideas into... things. I can say no more. If I did I might jinx it. Suffice to say, it's something you would never ever expect from me. Or indeed from any of the other YouTube atheists. 'Different' is not the word. Well, yes it is the word, but it's not strong enough.

I'll be around. Not making videos, maybe not even blogging very much, but I'm not gone, I'm just... busy. Sorry! ]]> Fri, 08 Aug 2008 01:00:00 +0000 http://www.gisburne.com/blog/2008-07-19a

• Is Islam a race? No.

• If Islam allows people of all races into it, then it is not a race and I cannot be racist.

• If Islam did not allow people of all races in to join it then Islam itself would be racist.

So how can I be a racist for criticising Islam? Answer: race and religion are not connected. At all. It's not really all that difficult to understand... is it? ]]> Sat, 19 Jul 2008 01:00:00 +0000 http://www.gisburne.com/blog/2008-07-18a stupid fucking religion. If nobody believed in you we'd all be happily going along thinking, "This is all there is so we'd better make the most of it," and, "Fuck me, we've got one planet and if we don't look after it we're in deep shit." But no. No. You had to be there didn't you. Or make that 'you had to make people think you're there'. Even though you're not there, but if you were... well, how fucked up does it have to get for you to just shout down and say to us all, "Look, you little human bastards, this is how I want to be worshipped," and then send down a list of all the things we have to do to make you happy, so that we all know what the crack is, we all have the same religion and we're not all fighting with the ones who believe in different ways.

Because it's like this isn't it: there's this book, and apparently you put it into people's heads, so they wrote it down and we're all supposed to believe it. Nope. No can do. For one thing it's too fucking long, for another it's too fucking weird, and for a third thing it's so out of date it would be illegal to sell it if it was food and it would probably poison everyone. Which, by sheer coincidence (not) is exactly what the book does. No fucker understands it. No, let's be more specific. Everyone who reads it understands it in a different way from everyone else. So what's the point? Are you proud of that, God? Are you proud of writing a book which isn't even intelligible to the people who want to believe it?

Let's do a comparison: the people who write the manuals for putting together a Boeing 747 are pretty specific. If they missed something out or they were a bit vague, or worse still if something could be interpreted in two or more ways, the whole flying hunk of metal would probably come crashing down or maybe never even get up in the air in the first place. There are some seriously accurate specifications in the tech manuals for a commercial airliner. Fuck, even Ikea do instruction manuals well enough so that most people can put up their weird hippy bedroom furniture without turning it into a pile of sticks and an amateur modern art project. But the Bible? Vague. Fucking vague. Jeebus even admits that he wants to be vague by talking in parables so that most people are confused and haven't got a fucking clue what he's jabbering on about. Why? Who knows?

If there was no Bible we'd be cool. We'd all be pagans again, believing in all the gods all the time, a bit like the Hindus, maybe a bit like the Greeks and Romans and whoever - before the intolerant monotheist motherfuckers came along the Romans were cool. "Hey, whatever religion you want, whatever gods you have, that's okay, so long as you respect everyone else's gods we'll respect yours." That's what it was like, but the Christians weren't having any of it. Not a bit of it. Fuck that say the Jesus freaks, it's the one God and nobody else's and we're not respecting your religion because that's what we're like - intolerant tossers who just want it our way and can't stand seeing you have a good time.

And you wonder why the Christians were persecuted? Not for them the 'live and let live', and where the fuck is 'turn the other cheek' when it comes to letting other people have their own set of beliefs? "Sorry, when we get into power you're all fucked," say the Christians (except they probably didn't use the bad words, and it was probably all in Latin, or maybe Greek). Soon as they're in, pagan religions get persecuted and wiped out. Bastards.

So God, back to you. You sent down this book, apparently, and not just one book, there were 66 of em, and they all got smushed together and now people think it's the word of God. The confusing word of God. If it was supposed to be a manual so that people could live better lives, why does it need thousands and thousands of preachers and philosophers to make sense of it all? Shouldn't it be easy? Shouldn't we just be able to open it and work out what to do without someone else interpreting it for us?

"I'm a bit anxious, what do I do, God." Ooo, let's turn to Psalm 46 (says my Gideon Bible stolen from a hotel). I've literally picked this out at random - see the footnote which indicates my current mental state, so this is probably typical of the 'help' you'll find elsewhere. Now you'd think that Psalm 46 would give me some advice about my anxiety. Sort of like Dr Phil, but much more emphasis on the white beard, flowing robes and ability to create/destroy universes at will. So what do we get? Here it is, God's everlasting wisdom (aka the usual Bible bollocks):

1. God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble.
2. Therefore will not we fear, though the earth be removed, and though the mountains be carried into the midst of the sea;
3. Though the waters thereof roar and be troubled, though the mountains shake with the swelling thereof. Selah.
4. There is a river, the streams whereof shall make glad the city of God, the holy place of the tabernacles of the most High.
5. God is in the midst of her; she shall not be moved: God shall help her, and that right early.
6. The heathen raged, the kingdoms were moved: he uttered his voice, the earth melted.
7. The LORD of hosts is with us; the God of Jacob is our refuge. Selah.
8. Come, behold the works of the LORD, what desolations he hath made in the earth.
9. He maketh wars to cease unto the end of the earth; he breaketh the bow, and cutteth the spear in sunder; he burneth the chariot in the fire.
10. Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth.
11. The LORD of hosts is with us; the God of Jacob is our refuge. Selah.

WHAT. THE. FUCK?

Look, God, I'm fucking anxious. I have some serious debts and the credit crunch means I'm about to lose my house. What am I going to do? Bible says: "There is a river, the streams whereof shall make glad the city of God, the holy place of the tabernacles of the most High." Wah?! What use is that? What use to me is any of this crap, at all, ever?

Worse than that is the fact that the same book means different things to different people, purely because it means nothing. Literally nothing. So we're all arguing, we're all disagreeing, we're all responding and reacting in different ways, because the book, which is supposed to be inspired by God, is saying fuck all so that the people reading it have to make up some shit and get a handle on their own lives. Which of course they could just as easily do if they didn't even have the Bible in the first place.

It's not even the only book. Fuck me, God, you gave a different book to a different set of people! Dodgy. Very dodgy. Well okay, this book has some detail, I'll give you that. The Qur'an and and hadith even explain which hand to wipe your arse with after a shit, and tell you all about spooky spirits called genies (I'll add links when the drink wears off... not, but for now, trust me, Islam really does have rules for all that). So you'd think that all these detailed instructions would be so easy to follow that everyone would say, "Hmm, okay, well that's God's word then, we'll all do it." Are you fucking crazy? Who in their right minds is going to follow that bullshit when it's so strict, so controlling, and so totally alien to the way of life you could have if you followed (however loosely) the stuff in the Bible? I mean, no drink? No bacon? No thanks! And those are just small things.

If God was up there, you'd seriously think he would sort this one out. Not all of these different ways of living can be the right ones, surely. It's impossible - they are to a lesser or greater extent mutually exclusive. Of course they can't all be right, but they can all be wrong, which means one of two things:

1. There is no God.

2. God exists but he's loving the trouble he's caused by not making it all any clearer. God is a wanker.

I'll go for option one any day, but if you believe in God (you idiot) you have to see the sense in option two. Any God who sets up a system like this just wants it to fail, wants to see people running around killing each other because they believe different things, because they can't agree on what the true religion is and what everyone should do. They all think they know, but they can't all be right, so they kick seven shades of shit, blood and bile out of each other, among other things.

They're all wrong. And if they're not, then I'm telling him straight: God, you're a wanker. So fuck off and leave us alone. At least until you decide to sort things out. And this time... no watery, flood-based genocides please, okay?